Bert entered The Baaamy Inn carrying a very large book, “I thought you’d like to see it”, he said, “I got it the charity shop and it’s called a Thesimouse or something like that and it’s a kind of dictionary but instead of containing the meanings of words it gives you words that mean the same, similarims I think they call them; I’m going to keep it on my coffee table in place of my dad-joke book to improve my image, or ameliorate my simulacrum as I wrote down on this piece of paper!”

“I went to The Fish Inn pub quiz last night”, said Ted, “and one question asked for the longest word in the English dictionary, well, that Dutch bloke, Clever Clogs got it right and it’s not even his first language, it began with P and 47 letters later in ended with A, well, I disputed it because I think the longest word is smiled because S and D are a mile apart!” – Suzie at the next table leapt to her feet and began to sing, “it’s only words and words are all I have to steal your heart away…”

“Word has it”, said Polly “that English teacher Elspeth wants to join our knitting circle, I remember her telling me once about a boy in her class that tripped over – he jumped up, started hopping around the classroom then let out a certain four letter swear word which I won’t repeat in case Len hears me, well, she told him off and said, ‘where did you learn that word, you don’t even know it means’, and he said, ‘yes I do, I learned it from my Dad when he kicked a table leg – it means ouch, I’ve stubbed my toe’ “.

“I was talking to Equine Earnie”, said Babs, “he’s joined a writing club where they are given a challenge each week; he had to write a sentence using the words defence, defeat and detail, he said it was perfect for him and wrote,’ when a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first, then detail – clever, eh?”

“I hate it when people forget an apostrophe”, said Colin, “if I see it again I swear I’ll be ill – if tomb is pronounced toom, and womb, woom, surely bomb should be boom – the shortened form of World Wide Web has three times more syllables – you politely pronounce a Welsh town Caerphilly – a mouse that swears is a curser – the word seven has even in it, that’s odd – the word starting with E and ending with E that only has one letter in it is envelope – the only word spelled wrong in the dictionary is wrong – if you add two letters to short it becomes shorter – I spell candy with two letters, C and Y – prison is one word to us but to some it’s a sentence – the word Diputseromneve may look ridiculous, but backwards it’s even more stupid – German for bra is stoppenfromfloppen – they say that icy is the easiest word to spell, now I see why – I did badly in my spelling exam, but I got A for affort – don’t spell part backwards, it’s a trap……”

Landlord Len and his dearly departed Maggie used to love playing word games, Lexicon Len she used to call him. Everyone had left but words remained and as he sat on a stool romantic ones began entering his mind, ones that summed up their love for one another; “what one word meant and remains the most amorous to you, Maggie?” he muttered, ‘simple’, she whispered, ‘Len, of course’’.

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Word!

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I wanted some sound effects to play whilst reading my hornet poem. I found a vinyl recording, but the buzzing noise didn’t sound right. Hornets mainly hum. When I took it back to the shop, the guy said I’d played the bee side.

I still didn’t like the way it sounded so I swapped it for a record by Sting.

I’m sure you’re dying to hear my composition, so here goes….

Hmmmm

What in the world is a hornet for?

It doesn’t contribute a thing.

All that it does is annoy me,

and bloody well hurts when it stings!

Hmmmm

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Prod Froggie to visit the squares – but be careful!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT c, Dale Rogerson

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For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops here and there!

Bexhill’s iconic De La Warr Pavillion, which is currently undergoing a multi-million pound refurbishment, hosted MASS, a celebration of modern 3D art by artists from across our beautiful county of Sussex.

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On the Terrace

On the Sun Deck – where the grass used to be green!

On the roof – ‘Stitch for Change’

The Auditorium – ‘Mass Exposure’, artists selling their work.

Back outside – we listened to Sound Sculptures, here’s few seconds worth!

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…and Madam kept an eye on thing as we enjoyed a little refreshment!

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I quite enjoy being a statue, it’s great being able to watch people without being asked what I’m staring at!

Here comes another lot, time to put on my stony face expression again, pardon the pun!

It was funny the other day, a bloke looked down from the balcony and said to his wife, ‘I wish you had a pair like that’, and he got a slap around the face!

Here come twenty old folk with the tour guide. They stop as one, turn as one, start moving as one like a human murmuration. Listen to them, ‘how interesting, goodness me, well I never, that’s fascinating, isn’t she beautiful Doris’.

I say, look at this handsome young man! Try stroking in my marble young man. Ooh, cheeky boy!

Oh good, the lights are going out and it’s time to join One Tit Tina and Noseless Nick for our nightly chat. Headless Harold too, no doubt he’ll be talking out of his you-know-where as usual!

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Here’s what Suno made of it!

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

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It was a windy morning and I was strolling along the strand watching the foaming water ebb and flow as the waves crashed ashore.

You know how it is when you spot something and have a sudden urge to get your hands on it? In the Beach Bites cafe window were cakes of many colours and one stood out, a red velvet one. I couldn’t resist it so went inside and asked for piece.

It was delicious, seductive even. It’s at times like that my mind strays to another place, modesty prevents me from saying where! It even attracted the attention of a bee which began creeping across the table in my cake’s direction. Suddenly the inner poet in me appeared, it often does in such dreamlike situations…

Bumble bee, that is not funny

Now buzz off and make some honey.

Not  bad, eh?

As  I ate the last crumb and licked the plate I wondered if I could cook a red velvet cake myself.

Early the next morning, there I was stirring and churning. Was I actually making one I hear you ask? No, I’m a builder, not a baker, I was mixing cement!

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Thanks to Brenda for hosting The Sunday Whirl where this week’s given words are – waves cake strays strand churning spot buzz colours sudden flow early and stirring 

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Heidrun longs to win the race. She heads along the lane – then trips headlong into a hedge. Shame.

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt

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Landlord Len likes nothing more than putting on a function, and last Sunday he hosted his favourite, The Great Baaamy Bake Off when folk bring their creations along to the marquee in the pub garden, from pavlovas to bread rolls; as usual, last to arrive was Bella, or Bella la’Ball as she calls herself, she likes to make a grand entrance and she swept into the tent carrying her bakes whilst wearing the skimpiest of dresses imaginable, “her buns looked magnificent!”, said Ted – “her food was quite nice too”, said Bert!

There are regular functions ar the village hall too, and over at the knitting circle Natalie was talking about her recent success at the annual dog show, “my dog Waverley won the Fastest Tail Wagging Contest again”, she said, “you should have seen it go, but one dog wagged so slowly and gracefully it actually hypnotised one of the judges; anyway, during the heatwave I thought about making a fan that I could attatch to Waverley’s tail to keep me cool, it could even be a business opportunity – I could make some and flog them to pet shops!”

“I’m not sure it’s true”, said Babs, “but someone told me about a dog that talked, it told people about how it rescued people from mountains and led lost people through forests, well, its owner decided to sell it and when asked why, he said ‘because it was a liar and never did anything like that’.

Colin cleared his throat, “ahem” he went, then he was off – “no-one turned up at the Indian food festival, it was a naan event – sausage festivals are the wurst – my dog’s clever, I asked what’s two minus two, and it said nothing – I went to an Ugliest Dog Contest and came first, my dog came third – a cat won the dog show, cat-has-trophy – I bought a dog from a blacksmith, when we got home he made a bolt for the door – my dog used to chase people on a bike a lot, eventually I took it’s bike away – I won a weather forcasting competition, I beat the raining champion – the art contest ended in a draw – I can’t function without my glasses, especially when they are empty – if you were 8 when Red Red Wine was released, UB40 now – I thought drinking wine would improve my French but it was all in vin – wine in a box is Cardboardeaux – my wife hates it when I mess with her wine, just now I put some lemonade and fruit in it and now she’s sangria than ever…..”  

Len has just had a new Guinness tap installed, but it’s refusing to function correctly, when he tries to pour a pint it gushes out, splashing and soaking his sleeves; it reminded Arthur about the time Len laid on a function to celebrate 25 years of marriage to his now dearly departed Maggie, “he was dressed in his finest bib and tucker, a smart suit and a bow tie and when he tried to open a bottle of wine he suffered a corkscrew malfunction and ended up with red wine all down his pristine white shirt!”.

Everybody had left, and having overheard the conversation Len was thinking back to that very occasion, “it was such a shame, Maggie”, he muttered, “I’ve never got over it” – ‘it was‘, she whispered in his ear, ‘such a waste of wine!’.

Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where the given word is Function.

The hotel was delightful, my room perfect and the staff charming.

I went down to the restaurant for a meal. It looked amazing. I asked for a table, and the receptionist said, “I’m afraid we’re busy now, sir, would you mind waiting for a while?”

“Of course not”, I replied.

“In that case”, she said, “take these drinks to table twelve and collect those empty dishes from table sixteen”.

I laughed thinking she was joking – then she handed me a tray of wine glasses.

At least I earned enough in tips to buy a burger from McDonalds down the street!

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Click a Froggie to visit the squares!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © Lori Wilson

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For Wordless Wednesday and blogs hops here there and everywhere!

Click pics to enlarge and improve.

The ukulele band

This is the Culbaba Theatre exhibit. It’s a charitable organisation based in Bexhill-on-Sea, founded by Ukrainian women now living in the UK. They are dedicated to preserving and presenting authentic Ukrainian traditional song, ritual and theatrical heritage.

Work in progress!

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Awaiting the flypast..

The Royal British Legion Band

Fancy a listen?

Meanwhile, out at sea…

At the Pavillion there was record Fair going on!

I could go on, but I’ll stop here!

NEXT WEEK –

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…Meet Artists Shaping Sussex, a festival of 3D Art in and around our wonderful De La Warr Pavilion!

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‘It has to be there somewhere’, said Percy.

Percy was a pianist of note, and he was performing at the Piano Bar when things went wonbly-woo. Plinkity-plonk-plinkity-plonk…nothing. Plonkity-plink-plonkity-plink… nothing.

He’d been playing The Flight of the Bumble Bee when B flat went missing. 

‘Come out come out wherever you are’, he yelled as he searched through the piano strings.

C  minor hadn’t seen it; neither had A. .F told him that it had, erm, gone off!

In fact, halfway through the piece B flat decided that being a bumble bee would be far more fun than being constantly bonked, so off he buzzed off to make honey.

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

Image credit; Matt Baron- Thomson @ Unsplash