Keith's Ramblings

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“Sorry I’m late”, said Arthur, “the Missus told me to swing by the supermarket and pick up some razor blades, she wants me to get rid of this stubble because it’s our wedding anniversary soon and she may decide to kiss me on the cheek, well, I walked up and down but I couldn’t find any so I asked an assistant where they were and she said ‘I’ll see’, and walked off; I waited for ages but she didn’t come back so I had another look around and eventually found them in aisle C!”

Ted was late arriving too, he’d just been for his second golf lesson; “you’re soaking wet, Ted, what happened to you?”, asked Babs; “well”, said Ted, “my instructor was helping me improve my swing and I was doing quite well, infact I managed to wack the ball off the tee five times, but there was a sudden downpour, I was more pee’d off than tee’d off, I can tell you” – Suzie at the next table leapt to her feet ,”swinging in the rain, just swinging in the rain….”

Over at the knitting circle, Natalie was telling her fellow knitwits about her father’s ninetieth birthday party, “he’s always raving about the swinging sixties so we hired a band, they got several of us up singing, even me; at first I was afraid, I was petrified, but I did quite well, anyway, we persuaded Dad to have a go – I hoped he’d sing something like Heaven Can Wait, but no, he sang Knock Knock Knocking on Heaven’s Door, he did quite well but he hardly sounded like Axl Rose!”

George heard the end of their conversation and it reminded him about the other day when he needed cut down a tree that was sadly dying, “my chain saw’s conked out so I thought, I know, my axe’ll do, so I gave it a good swing, and another swing and another swing but it got me nowhere; I decided to call that lady lumberjack, Isla ‘Chopper’ Downe, and she felled it and logged it in no time at all –  as she was leaving she told me that the other day she cut down a tree by just looking at it, I asked how and she said ‘saw it with my own two eyes’!”

“She once told me she’s chopped down 34,576 trees”, said Colin, “I asked how she remembers and she said she keeps a log – the lumberjack told the talking tree it would dialogue – he once chopped down the wrong tree, it was axidental –  cross a musician, a mathematician and a lumberjack and you get a logarithm – he’d be a smart feller – Dr Watson asked Sherlock Holmes what his favourite tree was, ‘a lemon tree my dear Watson’, he said – a skeleton went to a supermarket to get some spare ribs – a can of coke fell on my head in a supermarket, good job it was a soft drink – swings can’t make their minds up, they always go back and forth – the chicken crossed the playground to get to the other slide…….!”

In the back garden of The Baaamy Inn there’s a kiddie’s play area and Landlord Len was thinking back to the times he and his dearly departed Maggie used to fool around out there when the pub was closed, “the seesaw’s not the same without you sitting on one end, Maggie”, he muttered, “I still push the swing but I miss watching you going to and fro” – ’just because you can’t see me it doesn’t mean I’m not there’, she whispered, ‘come on, Len, let’s go outside and play!’

 

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Swing.

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I love winding roads. The more twists and turns, the better! According to my Girl with a Peculiar Sense of humour (aka GPS) there’s one coming up…

Here we go … weee-wooo-oooo-eeee! Wow, that was fun!

Look at that sign. Is it a puzzle? I don’t get it. Interesting though,  I’ll adopt my devil-my-care attititude and accept the challenge. 

Seatbelt, check. Brace position, check. GO!

Left, right, wahay, this is great! There’s a car heading my way – move over chum – it’s like having a ride in a theme park….

…except dodgem cars don’t usually end up in a ditch. Whoopsie.

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Prod Froggie to visit the squares!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

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PHOTO PROMPT © Dale Rogerson

For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

 

I spent most of last week with my brother in Poland. You will not be surprised when I tell you I took 530 photos – I’m currently working my way through them! I though I’d start by showing  you a few of the city where we were based …

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You can click pics to enlarge and improve.

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Rynek Glowmy Square

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Let’s step inside St Mary’s Basilica

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Fancy some  souvenir shopping?

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Time for a drink and something to eat methinks!

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That’s it for now!

I’ll be showing you more of Kraków in a couple of week’s time, but next Tuesday you’ll see a few of the pictures I took in Auschwitz-Birkenau and Fabryka Emalia Oscara Schindlera.

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I’d been walking since sunrise. 

I was a bit lost. Then I saw a sign.

‘Are you exactly where you need to be?’ it asked.

‘No’, I said. The words shuffled, came and went.

‘Where exactly you need to be?’ it asked.

‘Not here’, I said. The words shuffled, went and came..

‘You are where you need to be’, it said.

‘Are you sure?’ I asked. The words shuffled, came and went.

‘Exactly’, it said.

I was confused. ‘Where exactly are you?’ I asked the sign. The words shuffled, went and came.

‘Where you are’, it said. I gave up and wandered away.

I was still walking at sunset. 

I was a bit lost. Then I saw a sign.

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

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Ted wandered into The Baaamy Inn looking a little weary, “I’ve just had my first golf lesson”, he said, “now I’m semi-retired I thought it would give me something to do other than housework, but I didn’t realise how far I’d have to walk; I made the odd mistake or two, I heard someone shout ‘fore’ and I shouted back ‘two’ because  we were on the second green, then I gave the ball a good wack and off it flew until a stupid pigeon decided to fly in its path, there were feathers floating everywhere – I wasn’t pleased and I doubt the bird was either!”

“Did you get a hole in one?” asked Babs as she watched Ted fiddling with his shoe, “fortunately not”, he replied, totally misunderstanding the question, “this pair is new and I only bought them yesterday, I thought about buying some from Willy Walker in the market but I’m told he’s a bit of a fly by night and he’ll do anything to con you, so I went to the shoe shop in town, Lacey works here she’s a sweet soul”.

Fred was flapping his fingers like a fluttering fan as a fly flew round his freshly poured pint; ”careful”, chuckled pig farmer Pete, ”flies have feelings too you know, don’t hurt it” – “that’s a strange thing to say since you slaughter sows to make sausages!”,  joked Fred! 

“Time flies”, said Arthur, “I’ve got another big birthday coming up; it was the wife’s last week, and as we were eating breakfast she smiled and asked where her present was, I reminded her she’d said ‘nothing would make her happier some diamonds’, so I got her nothing – you should have seen her face, then I said I was kidding and I’d got her a pack of playing cards because they have lots of diamonds – I’d actually bought her a diamond bracelet all along!”

“I saw a golf buggy in a disabled bay”, said Colin, “I wondered what his handicap was – golf’s easy, I played one hole and got 55 points – a fly was buzzing around a policeman, he called the swat team – if pigs could fly the price of pork would go up – and if they did, they’d land at an airpork – my sixty-second birthday only lasted a minute  – on the pirate’s 80th birthday he said ‘aye matey’ – the easiest way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once – birthdays are good for you, the more you have the longer you live – I asked someone when their birthday was and they said March 1st, so I walked round the room and asked again – when I gave my mate his 50th card card he said I only needed to give him one……” .

Earlier in the day a chap from a local travel agents had popped in for a drink and asked Len if he could leave a few flyers behind advertising holidays. Len’s mind went back to when Maggie and he would fly away for a few days of rest and relaxation leaving a few of the locals in charge of the Inn,  they went to a little Mediterranean island they called Paradise; “if only the two of us could still fly together, Maggie”, he muttered – ‘one day we will, Lenny’, she whispered, ‘one day’.

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Fly

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She brushed her hair, sucked in her tummy and smiled.

“Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the….”

Crash! It fell down and smashed. She tried the one in the bathroom.

“Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the …….”

It steamed up.

“They don’t have the heart to show me what they see. I’ll eat more fruit and suffer salads. I will be the fairest of them all.”

It didn’t last. 

She found herself one like those in a Hall of Mirrors that make you look skinny when you’re not. It behaved itself, stayed put and made her look … well, pretty fair actually!

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Click Froggie to visit the squares!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

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For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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Here a few pictures I took in my little loft just now.

Click to enlarge!

 

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I bet most people have something about their body they wish was different.  Those smaller, that bigger, you know what I mean. Some put up with their imperfectioins whilst others spend fortunes on modifications.

Me? I’d like a more rotund backside, you know, a bigger bum!

Why I hear you ask. Well I’m a clumsy so-and-so and I’m forever slipping, sliding and landing on my derriere. 

This week alone it’s happened twice. Once on a boardwalk festooned with wet slippery leaves, then a couple of hours ago when I walked down the back alley in the snow. Don’t laugh it’s not funny, how would you like it?

Why am I telling you this you ask. Well, I  have tried on the odd occassion sticking a cushion down the back of my trousers but it’s not that practical, so now I’m in the process of  inventing padded underwear for those who, like me, suffer from this unfortunate problem. Once in production I’m sure they’ll hit ground running!

Thinking ahead there’s even the possibility of creating some with built in springs that’ll shoot you upright again after you land! I’ll keep you informed about how things are going, and eventually, where you can buy yourself a pair or two!

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

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I enjoyed life, I can’t deny it but I had no idea how much fun things would be when I left it behind and changed from a load of worn out flesh and bones into something resembling a puff of smoke!

When they dumped my worn out body in that grave yard, or the human scrap yard as I call it, I rose within seconds and became the ghost I am today, there was no way I’d settle for becoming nothing more than a messy rotting pile of manure feeding weeds!

Little did you you know, but I was there at my wake – awake at my wake you could say! I was looking forward to hearing what they actually thought of me. 

I watched my mate step onto the podium and start saying some really sweet things.  I knew he was exaggerating, I wasn’t really as nice as he made out, but hey-ho! He said I  had a wicked sense of humour so I though I’d edge up behind him and tickle his neck! He started to scratch, tremble and splutter, they all thought he was overcome with emotion!

They decided it was time to dance and played one of my favourite songs, Gimme Shelter by The Stones. I was in amongst you, dancing too.  He may be gone but ole fella still rocks onl

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Thanks to Brenda Warren for hosting The Sunday Whirl where this week’s given words are –

shelter settle rose rocks edge step messy flesh left ghost scrap and tremble

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