Keith's Ramblings

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Ted wandered into The Baaamy Inn looking a little weary, “I’ve just had my first golf lesson”, he said, “now I’m semi-retired I thought it would give me something to do other than housework, but I didn’t realise how far I’d have to walk; I made the odd mistake or two, I heard someone shout ‘fore’ and I shouted back ‘two’ because  we were on the second green, then I gave the ball a good wack and off it flew until a stupid pigeon decided to fly in its path, there were feathers floating everywhere – I wasn’t pleased and I doubt the bird was either!”.

“Did you get a hole in one?” asked Babs as she watched Ted fiddling with his shoe, “fortunately not”, he replied, totally misunderstanding the question, “this pair is new and I only bought them yesterday, I thought about buying some from Willy Walker in the market but I’m told he’s a bit of a fly by night and he’ll do anything to con you, so I went to the shoe shop in town, Lacey works here she’s a sweet soul”.

Fred was flapping his fingers like a fluttering fan as a fly flew round his freshly poured pint; ”careful”, chuckled pig farmer Pete, ”flies have feelings too you know, don’t hurt it” – “that’s a strange thing to say since you slaughter sows to make sausages!”,  joked Fred! 

“Time flies”, said Arthur, “I’ve got another big birthday coming up; it was the wife’s last week, and as we were eating breakfast she smiled and asked where her present was, I reminded her she’d said ‘nothing would make her happier some diamonds’, so I got her nothing – you should have seen her face, then I said I was kidding and I’d got her a pack of playing cards because they have lots of diamonds – I’d actually bought her a diamond bracelet all along!”

“I saw a golf buggy in a disabled bay”, said Colin, “I wondered what his handicap was – golf’s easy, I played one hole and got 55 points – a fly was buzzing around a policeman, he called the swat team – if pigs could fly the price of pork would go up – and if they did, they’d land at an airpork – my sixty-second birthday only lasted a minute  – on the pirate’s 80th birthday he said ‘aye matey’ – the easiest way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once – birthdays are good for you, the more you have the longer you live – I asked someone when their birthday was and they said March 1st, so I walked round the room and asked again – when I gave my mate his 50th card card he said I only needed to give him one……” .

Earlier in the day a chap from a local travel agents had popped in for a drink and asked Len if he could leave a few flyers behind advertising holidays. Len’s mind went back to when Maggie and he would fly away for a few days of rest and relaxation leaving a few of the locals in charge of the Inn,  they went to a little Mediterranean island they called Paradise; “if only the two of us could still fly together, Maggie”, he muttered – ‘one day we will, Lenny’, she whispered, ‘one day’.

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Fly

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She brushed her hair, sucked in her tummy and smiled.

“Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the….”

Crash! It fell down and smashed. She tried the one in the bathroom.

“Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the …….”

It steamed up.

“They don’t have the heart to show me what they see. I’ll eat more fruit and suffer salads. I will be the fairest of them all.”

It didn’t last. 

She found herself one like those in a Hall of Mirrors that make you look skinny when you’re not. It behaved itself, stayed put and made her look … well, pretty fair actually!

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Click Froggie to visit the squares!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

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For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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Here a few pictures I took in my little loft just now.

Click to enlarge!

 

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I bet most people have something about their body they wish was different.  Those smaller, that bigger, you know what I mean. Some put up with their imperfectioins whilst others spend fortunes on modifications.

Me? I’d like a more rotund backside, you know, a bigger bum!

Why I hear you ask. Well I’m a clumsy so-and-so and I’m forever slipping, sliding and landing on my derriere. 

This week alone it’s happened twice. Once on a boardwalk festooned with wet slippery leaves, then a couple of hours ago when I walked down the back alley in the snow. Don’t laugh it’s not funny, how would you like it?

Why am I telling you this you ask. Well, I  have tried on the odd occassion sticking a cushion down the back of my trousers but it’s not that practical, so now I’m in the process of  inventing padded underwear for those who, like me, suffer from this unfortunate problem. Once in production I’m sure they’ll hit ground running!

Thinking ahead there’s even the possibility of creating some with built in springs that’ll shoot you upright again after you land! I’ll keep you informed about how things are going, and eventually, where you can buy yourself a pair or two!

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

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I enjoyed life, I can’t deny it but I had no idea how much fun things would be when I left it behind and changed from a load of worn out flesh and bones into something resembling a puff of smoke!

When they dumped my worn out body in that grave yard, or the human scrap yard as I call it, I rose within seconds and became the ghost I am today, there was no way I’d settle for becoming nothing more than a messy rotting pile of manure feeding weeds!

Little did you you know, but I was there at my wake – awake at my wake you could say! I was looking forward to hearing what they actually thought of me. 

I watched my mate step onto the podium and start saying some really sweet things.  I knew he was exaggerating, I wasn’t really as nice as he made out, but hey-ho! He said I  had a wicked sense of humour so I though I’d edge up behind him and tickle his neck! He started to scratch, tremble and splutter, they all thought he was overcome with emotion!

They decided it was time to dance and played one of my favourite songs, Gimme Shelter by The Stones. I was in amongst you, dancing too.  He may be gone but ole fella still rocks onl

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Thanks to Brenda Warren for hosting The Sunday Whirl where this week’s given words are –

shelter settle rose rocks edge step messy flesh left ghost scrap and tremble

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I used to suffer from hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, I detested multisyllabic words. Whenever I heard one, paramnesia kicked in. 

However that changed when I fell for a muliebrious sesquipedalian girl called Aubrielliana, they do say antitheticals attract. She spoke and I smiled, nodded or shook my head hoping it was the appropriate rejoinder.

Everything changed when I made a serendipitous discovery in a book shop, a  Longword Lexicon. Suddenly we were able to communicate efficaciouslty!

However, this morning she used the word defenestration and to my horror it wasn’t in my lexicon. I was so angry I chucked it out the window.

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt.

In case it’s not in your dictionary either, it means – the action of throwing something or someone  out of a window!

*As I was writing this, my mind went back to my childhood days. My grandfather would read to me and whenever he came across a lengthy word he would just say ‘longword’ instead ond carry on!

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Once again the farmers were enjoying a drink at the Baaamy Inn, and Arthur was fiddling with his ear, “I’ve got a hearing aid”, he said, “I didn’t realise how much I was missing before I got it, it’s a state of the art device and I hear everything really clearly”, Babs looked interested and said “what kind is it?”  – “a quarter to eight”, replied Arthur, “I bumped into a couple of mates in town t’other day, they are both a bit hard of hearing, I said, ‘it’s windy today isn’t it’, and Jack said, ‘Thursday’, then Tony said ‘so am I, let’s get a drink’, I reckon they should sign up for some!”

Over at the knitting circle, Polly was telling her fellow knitwits that she was considering learning a foreign language, “I tried French, but it was ‘tray dificultay’, German was a ‘bitz complizated’, and then I thought, I know, I’ll try sign language, at least there won’t be any pronunciation difficulties; as you know I’m a great believer in multitasking so I’m learning to knit and sign at the same time, watch….whoopsie – okay, it’ll take a while but I’ll do it, you’ll see!”

Ted was prodding his ‘portable telephone’, as he calls it, “my wife made me get it so she could keep in touch when I’m out of sight, I don’t trust the thing, but I’m slowly getting the hang of it, I was watching an American programme on the telly last night and a guy called his one a cell phone, I assume he was an ex-criminal and he was given it in prison” ; “I couldn’t live without mine”, said George, “I went a pub in town yesterday and there was sign on the wall that says ‘Wi-Fi Password – you need to buy a drink first’, so I bought a pint and asked the barmaid what the password was and she said, ‘you need to buy a drink first, all lower case, no spaces’.

Len has sign board outside on the pavement, and he likes to write amusing messages on it, for example, one said Free Beer tomorrow – think about it – another said, Wanted, customers, no experience necessary, full training given, another, Pot holes ahead, remove teeth, tighten bra , and the latest one says Husband Creche, leave him in our care while you shop’! 

Time for Colin to pipe up – “I had a hearing test and he asked me what the symptoms were, so I said that yellow family on TV – I know several jokes in sign language, nobody has ever heard them – the least spoken language is sign language – pirates can’t use sign language  because the hooks make everything look like a question – pigs speak swine language – I saw a sign outside a farm that said ‘duck, eggs’ I thought, that’s an unnecessary comma, and then it hit me – hippies like exit signs cos they’re way out, man – the only two words in English that have two U’s together are vacuum and sheep – I use the word frequently as often as possible  – the longest word is smiles, the first and last letters are a mile apart…….”

Landlord Len was cashing up after another busy session and once again more people had paid by card than with notes and coins, he has a sign on the bar that says ‘Cash, use it or lose it’ because he prefers that method of payment and he’s worried that in time it will become a thing of the past; he was looking closely at a fifty pence piece and as he did so the King’s head slowly changed to that of his dearly departed Maggie, ‘you won’t lose me,’ she said before fading away. 

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where today’s given word is Sign

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I’m in my flying saucer, I’m having such fun! It’s only a single-seater, so it’s quite inconspicuous. I bet you can’t see me. Oh, you can, ‘hello’!

I see all sorts from up here. Nige from number nine slipped into Nellie’s next door earlier. Pretty Polly was perched on her patio, she’s not the prude I perceived her to be, I’ll say no more! 

Oh look, there’s Doug digging a hole. I’ve not seen his wife for ages, you don’t think … phew, he’s planting a tree!

Thirsty work flying a saucer, time for a cuppa. Stand clear, down I come. Weeeee!

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Click Froggie to look down at the squares!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers.

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

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For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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…the sun came out and the sky turned blue, that’s not occured in ages! And so, this morning I went for a walk!

I splodged my way down a muddy trail alongside a meadow, heading for the wood.l alongside the eadow 

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If you look carefully at the next pic, on the right you’ll see the remains of a castle built by the Romans about 2000 years ago, and towards the left a church built by the Normans around 1066.

You can click the pic to enlarge should  you so desire!

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Now where we? Oh yes, the wood!

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Look, a couple of squirrels! 

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…then I walked home and put the kettle on!

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

Image credit; Ryan Lansdown @ Pexels

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