Keith's Ramblings

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Farmer Fred was telling his Baamy chums about his vinyl record collection, “I got the box down from the loft, it was full of 78’s and 45’s covered in dust, some are like gold dust, they brought back so many memories but I couldn’t find one of my favourites, it’s by Dusty Springfield, or Rusty Springboard as we used to call her, if I don’t find it I just don’t know what to do with myself”; suddenly the door swung open and in came Dick the Vic’s lad – “at least here’s the son of a preacher man,” quipped Colin! 

Babs was brushing dirt and dust from her overalls, “I was standing at the bus stop and one bloke close by was digging holes and another chap was filling them in, there was dirt flying everywhere; I asked what they were doing and the digger said, ‘we’re working’, I asked what at, and the filler-inner said ‘there are supposed to be three of us but the guy who plants trees in the holes is off sick’- then the bus came along thank goodness!” 

Ted kept sneezing, “sorry”, he said, “but the missus had me helping her clear out the cellar, you’ve never seen so much – achoo – dust, she complained that –achoo -whenever she uses her old broom her arms ache, so I told her she should try using the car more often; well, the, look I got was dirtier – achoo – than the pile of rubbish she’d built so I made a hasty exit – I’m going to buy her a new one tomorrow, a broom that is not a car!” 

Knitwit Natilie is a clean freak, wherever she goes she can’t resist getting down to the knitty gritty by running her finger across picture frames and ledges looking for dusty deposits – even as a kid she was neat and tidy, she said she fancied a job cleaning mirrors when she grew up, it was something she could always see herself doing – however she doesn’t need to carry out her routine in The Baaamy Inn as Landlord Len keeps everything in pristine condition in accordance with one of his dearly departed Maggie’s dying wishes. 

Colin had, as usual been listening in, “my wife’s mind is cleaner than mine because she changes it more often – her jokes are like vacuum cleaners, they suck – I saw two cleaners kissing, ‘get a broom’, I said, – I met a nun who  starts her day by walking around in mud, such a dirty habit – as an ex-hippie I think dirt is groovy, man, I really dig it – I’m obsessed with buying Beatles albums, I need Help – I bought a recording of wasps buzzing but it didn’t sound right, then I realised I was playing the bee side – I’m going to collect records, it’s my decision and that’s vinyl – I was pulled over and asked if I had a police record, I said no, but I have a couple of albums by Sting – ‘cash-ew’, said the nut when it sneezed – undertakers don’t sneeze but they’re always coffin – I keep sneezing and singing My Way, I’ve got the crooner virus – I don’t have to sneeze loudly, a-choos to – birds dust their houses with feather dusters – it’s said that you are dust and you shall return to dust which is why I don’t dust, it could be someone I know….” 

Everyone had left, Landlord Len had cleared up and was about to turn out the lights when he spotted some dust on the end of a shelf and in it was drawn a heart, as he went to get his duster Maggie whispered in his ear – ‘let it be Len, it’s just a little fairy dust I found and I wanted to share it with you’.  

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Dust.

I found this for Fred!

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Minutes before midnight. Moments ‘til her birthday. She stands in darkness atop the building, a gusty wind chilling her cheeks. Glancing over her shoulder, she watches as another year blows away taking with it broken promises, unhappy memories, and shattered dreams. 
 
As angry black clouds scurry from sight a new moon appears spreading a silver carpet of hope at her feet. Her long dark shadow tumbles into the gloomy bleak past as a cheery one appears.  
 
Suddenly all is calm. She gazes into the future and smiles as another year begins. A chance to start her life anew.

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Click Froggie to visit the squares!

Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © C. E. Ayr

For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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Last week we walked eastwards along the traditional half of the prom. Today, we are heading West which couldn’t be more different!

Click pics to enlarge.

A garden runs the entire length of the west prom.

…and there are lots of fun things for kids too!

In need of a shower?

At the far end is the recently opened Beach Garden.

Fancy an ice cream?

Thanks for joining me!

At last, I’ve been waiting ages for the chance to use this story!

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Working in an office can be very boring. Nine to five sitting at desk, answering a phone, staring at a screen, doing paperwork. I should know. I did it.

I’d sometimes look down from the window at the bustling street below and wish I was there. The only way of making day more interesting was to deliberately do something you shouldn’t and attempt to get away with it!

“My office, now”, the boss would shout! In I’d go, come up with an excuse and escape with a smile on face!

Now the desks have turned, now I’m the governor! I love it when a worker does something wrong, it gives me an excuse to yell ‘my office, now’, then slam the door behind them! ‘Sit’, I shout!

Some wriggle nervously in the chair, others, particularly serial offenders adopt a look of smugness. I hear all sorts of excuses, often, clever ones, some I wish I’d come up with when I was facing judgement!

I think there should be an award for the employee who gets the most my office now’s a year without being sacked. The MON, I’d call it! I beg your pardon? Did I just hear you groan? 

My office, now!

Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

Image credit; Rita Daisy @ Unsplash

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The Baaamy farmers where discussing the spate of burglaries that had recently occured, “one of Norm’s gnomes disappeared” said Fred, “I suggested it had ‘gone ‘ome’ but he wasn’t amused, then Bill’s favourite underpants were stolen from his washing line and I can’t find my garden fork, so someone thought the best option would be for us to form a neighbourhood watch group to patrol the village now and then; Bob said he’d bring his big torch which would double up as a truncheon, Knitwit Natalie says her husband could borrow her fluffy pink handcuffs and George said he has a  realistic looking water pistol, what do you think?”.

“I was chatting with Know-all Ned”, said Ted, “tell him about anything new you’ve heard and he always says ‘I know’, ask him to predict something and he always knows what will happen, well, I was thinking of placing a bet on the horses and as I invariably lose I thought I’d ask Ned for which option I should go for; he confidently gave me a tip so I placed twenty quid on number six, and guess what, it won – I told him how clever he was and he said ‘I know’!”

Singleton Sid was thinking of getting married”, said Babs, “problem is, he’s dating two women at the same time, not that they know about each other, he wasn’t sure  which one to propose too; he asked his friend Leggy Eggy, the tall poultry farmer from up the hill for some marital advice which didn’t prove very useful as he gets more henpecked indoors than he does collecting eggs from the chicken coop, so now he’s decided to continue in his single existance”.

“I popped into that new cafe in town”, said Polly over at the knitting circle, “I was drinking my coffee when a very handsome young man came over and I asked if I was on my own, I smiled my sweetest smile and said I was, and he said, ‘good, do you mind if I take this chair?’, and off he went with it, then the waitress appeared and asked if I wanted to eat, I asked what the options were and she said ‘yes or no’, the cheeky cow!”

Having overheard the conversations, ComiColin was off – “a skeleton’s weapon of choice is a bone and marrow – a boomer’s is a boomerang – a chef’s is a salt rifle – I have two options when climbing onto the roof, I always choose the ladder – when in the hair salon there are two options, do or dye – the computer went to the cafe for a byte to eat – I ate at the Peican Cafe, the food was good but the bill was enormous – Dire Straits are opening a cafe, they take money for muffins, but the chips are free – at the Karma cafe there are no options, you get what you deserve – I’m marrying a pencil, she’s my bride 2b –  don’t marry a tennis player, love means nothing to them……”

Landlord Len has decided to add some cocktails to his drinks options, he’s come uo with three concoctions, a fizzy one he‘s calling  a Spit-at-ya, a red one called the Baaamy Bloodbath, and another especially for romantic couples; it’s pink and served in a pitcher over cubes of melon and garnished with lemon – but he doesn’t know what to name it; ‘simple’, his dearly departed Maggie whispered in his ear, ‘just call it Maggilen’. 

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where the given word is Option

*I’m afraid I have to go AWOL for a few days, please don’t think I’ve forgotten you! I have lots of odds and ends to do around my apartment and I have a dinner party to prepare for on Saturday. All being well, I’ll be back Monday!

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Colin likes to stand in a crowded street and point skyward. He laughs as people stop and gaze up – at nothing at all! 

He loves to glue a coin to the pavement, it’s worth ten pence to watch people’s frustrated attempts at picking it up.

Sometimes he walks up to someone who’s eating sweets from a packet and says, ‘look over there’ – then quickly pinches one!

Yesterday while walking down an alley he noticed people pointing to the sky. He didn’t look up! He wondered why they were all dashing off.  

He got bonked on the head by an out-of-control drone!

Click a froggie to visit the squares!

Thank to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © James Pyles.

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For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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Over the past few weeks I’ve been taking a few pictures while walking along the promenade.

It comes in two very different parts, traditional to the east, and modern to the west

This week we’ll stroll eastwards, and next week, in ‘tother direction!

Some people have back gardens looking out to sea…

…there are front ones too!

I think it’s about ten to four!

We’ve made to the end. I’ll save the country park for another day!

Coffee?

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Question ten, define abacus.

Agnetha swearing at Björn?

No

A Swedish busker?

No

A god of wine?

No 

A cross between a cab and a bus?

No

A sucaba back to front?

No

A scuba diver?

No

This isn’t adding up, I was counting on you to help me.

Almost…

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt

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It’s another evening at The Baaamy Inn and over at the round table, the ladies of the knitting circle are talking about funny errors they’ve made, like when Polly made five holes for four buttons and Betty made a glove with six fingers, “I was sitting knitting a jumper while watching a movie with my grandkids, the one about Nellie the Elephant”, said Natalie, “I was so absorbed in the film that I inadvertently knitted a third sleeve, well, just for a laugh I tried it on and one of the children said, ‘Granny, you look just like Nellie!’ “.

“My wife thinks I’m going deaf”, said Arthur, “the other evening I sat myself down at the dinner table and my wife called from the kitchen, ‘do you want two sausages or three?’, then she went into the hall and shouted ‘do you want two sausages or three?’, then she came closer and said ‘do you want two sausages or three?’, so I said ‘I told you the first time, I want three’ – and she thinks it’s me that’s hard of hearing!”

“I went to the karaoke session at The Fish Inn with my friend Big Bertha the other night”, said Babs, “she loves a good sing-song, when it came to her turn she climbed up on a table and belted out a song while swinging her arms around and jumping up and down; when she finished a guy called out, ‘nice legs’, and Bertha said ‘thank you’, he said ‘I meant the table’s legs, they must be pretty stong to support you,’ the cheeky devil!” – Suzie at the next table leapt to feet and started dancing and singing, “you put your right arm in, you right arm out, in out in out and shake it all about….”

Instead of playing golf, Ted had spent much of the day at the furniture store with his good lady, “our old stuff’s looking a bit tired so we thought we’d treat ourselves to some new bits and pieces, we chose a nice dining table and some really smart chairs, then the salesman shows us a fancy sofa; he said it would seat six people with no problem – I said I didn’t know six people without problems, and he gave me an odd look – I don’t think he realised I was joking”.

“Sofa so good then”, quipped Colin, and he was off –  “King Arthur’s round table was made by Sir Cumference – a bloke in the street offered me a settee and some armchairs, but I never take suites from strangers – I stubbed my toe on the sofa, couch!!!! – when the man who invented to remote contol died they found him down the back of the sofa – the furniture competition was a drawer – old chairs are given to charity – kings call musical chairs a Game of Thrones –  a cat swallowed some wool and had mittens – Mary’s hobbies were swimming and knitting  but her wool kept getting wet – my friend won’t sing with me so I have to duet alone – a singer’s favourite sausage is so-la-me …….”

Before retiring for the night, Landlord Len was watering a pot plant when he found a table tennis ball in the foliage, yesterday he’d found one behind the whisky bottles and the day before there was one in the log basket; he’d held another ping-pong tournament at the weekend and it had been a great success – it was something his dealy departed Maggie started many years ago; as he was about to turn out the lights he noticed a ball on the shelf behind a picture of them together, it had an kiss marked on it – ‘at last’, Maggie whipered, ‘I left it for you, I thought you’d never find it!.

Thanks to Denise for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Table.

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It’s not the same, sitting here without you.

Look, the swans are back. They are facing each other, their necks forming a love heart. ‘Just for us, my love’, you said when they did it once before. I wish you could see them now.

The sun’s hiding behind the clouds. I’ll forever remember the time you clapped your hands and it suddenly reappeared. ‘Magic’, you said. I pretended to believed you! 

Listen to me, talking to myself. Silly me.

There you are! What took you so long? You only went to the shop to get some toilet rolls and disinfectant.

Click a Froggie to visit the squares!

Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © Lily

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