Keith's Ramblings

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Babs seemed intrigued by George’s shirt; “what’s with that great big mark on it, did you spill some paint or something?” she asked; “no” he replied “it’s a trendy shirt from that bohemian woman in the market, Len want’s a younger looking crowd and I thought this might help – by the way, while I was there I went over to the second hand book stall and said, ‘I need a new bookmark’, and the bloke said ‘take your pick, and by the way my name’s Bob not Mark’ ”.

“I remember when I was really young”, said Ted, “I wasn’t happy with the mark my teacher gave me for my English test so I begged him look it it again and he actually agreed to do it, when I got home that afternoon my Dad asked me how it went and I told him the teacher said it was remarkable!”

Arthur was studying a piece of paper and Fred asked him what it was, “well”, said Arthur, “I’ve been having a problem with my cows barging through the hedge and wandering into my neighbour’s field just lately so I got that electrician, Mark the Spark to give me quote for installing an electric fence, I was shocked by the price, I still am, but I guess I’m going to have to do it” ; ”hopefully your neighbour won’t be dead against it”, quipped Colin – and he was off!

“I wasn’t allowed a calculator for my maths exam, I was really counting on it – I passed all my exams with ease, english e, maths e, geography e, art e – I’m taking an archaeology exam, even if I pass my future will be in ruins – the sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, I was given a replacement free of charge – I heard a joke about electricity but I’ve forgotten watt it was – I asked an electrician to fix my electricity and he re-fused – when he got a shock he said ‘that hertz’ – his favourite band was AC/DC –  when he got a new car, it was a Voltswagen – I fancy a job cleaning marks off mirrors, I can see myself doing that – I hate spring cleaning, the damned things bounce all over the place – for my birthday I was given a shirt with dirty marks on it, but I appreciated the sediment….”

You may recall that last week Landlord Len asked for suggestions to make the pub more appealing to younger folk something that didn’t go down too well with the regulars; however, they did as asked and the ideas include installing a charging point at every table as they tend always to be glued to their phones, a crazy golf course around the bar and between the tables, movie nights, snail olympics, speed dating, first round free, drag queen nights and complimentary ear plugs because youngsters often scream like banshees – none of which really hit the mark.

As he thought about what to do, something his dearly departed Maggie would have said came to mind – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it;  ‘you’re right my love’, he thought, ‘let’s just keep it the way it is’.

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Mark.

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He had often walked down this street before. He’d watch from behind a lilac tree hoping any that second she’d suddenly appear. He had an overpowering feeling, knowing that somehow she was near. There was nowhere else he’d rather be than the street where she lived.

People watched and stared, but it didn’t bother bother him. It bothered her though. She could no longer let the time go by.

Constable Clutch grabbed him by the arm. “Let go officer”, he said.

“No, Zee Parker. You are under arrest for violation of the Stalking and Harassment Act 1997, anything you say…”

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*Any similarity to a certain well known song is purely coincidental!

Click the cop to visit the squares!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

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PHOTO PROMPT © David Stewart.

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For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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I’ll start in Bonnie Scotland!

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Leaves, obviously!

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A market stall

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The Northern Lights

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Street art a few doors down from me!

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I took these at Expo 2024 in Dubai

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A beer mat!.

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The Long Man at Wilmington

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…have a banana 🎶

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A bloke in Verona!

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…brrrrmmm brrrmmm

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Gobble gobble

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The Seven Sisters cliffs

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Somewhere in Yorkshire

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My precious tent!

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A very old tree, even older than me!

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A disused railway station

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Quack quack

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Squark squark

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Be quiet you noisy devil!

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I liked Switzerland

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Meanwhie in South London…

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Wow, they’re loud!

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On a bank of the Nile

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An immersive experience

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Some more leaves!

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Hold tight!

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Shall we dance?

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Finally, my skinny Christmas tree and a few of my recent decorations!

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Bye for now!

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I was at the swimming pool and things weren’t going too well.

‘Don’t just use your arms’, I said to myself, ‘use your legs, kick, kick, kick, keep kicking, you can do it’. At last some movement, then … nothing!

I was tired, my muscles were aching. I needed to pause. I stopped for a moment or two then took a deep breath and started again.

Yes, yes, yes, nearly there! Wow, I’ve done it, I’ve actually done it! 

Don’t you just hate it when a chocolate bar gets stuck in a vending machine?

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

 

Image credit; Richard Stachmann @ Unsplash

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Well I never, fancy meeting Froggie here!

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Before I start – I have an extremely busy few days coming up, both entertaining and being entertained, so I’m afraid I won’t have the time to drop by your blogs and leave comments in the normal way. Please don’t think I’ve forgotten you, I’ll be back next week!

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“I really need this”, said Arthur, supping his pint so fast that half of it was running down down his chin, “that supermarket, Costalot or whatever it’s called, has opened a brand new branch in town and her indoors insisted I went there with her this afternoon, I grabbed a case of Budweiser and dumped it in the cart, it was only a tenner but she complained and told me to but it back, then lo and behold, she grabbed an expensive brand of  face cream and dropped that in the cart; I asked her why and she said because it makes her look beautiful, and I said ‘so do a couple of Budweisers and they’re only half the price’ – it didn’t go down too well!”

“I was chatting with Billy Brand”, said Babs, you know, that guy that sweeps the streets, he told me he’s had enough of  of clearing up other people’s mess and needed a change of career, but he couldn’t make up his mind about what he should do, he said he wasn’t suited to being a tailor, he couldn’t cut it as a barber, he didn’t have the patience to be a doctor, pool maintenance was too draining, there was no future in being a historian, if he was a masseur he’d rub people up the wrong way”; “so what’s he going to do?” asked Suzie at the next table, “ he’s got a brand new job as a cleaner at that new supermarket in town!” she replied!

“The other day I decided to have an tree removed”, said Ted, “it was too close to my living room window and the branches blocked my view so I called Jack, that lumber guy and asked him to do it for me, after he cut it down he left a stump and recommended a guy to remove it, well, the bloke dug up the stump and left a great big hole and recommended a landscape gardener who’d would make it look nice for me, to cut a long story short I came here for a pint while he was doing it and when I returned home I found he’d planted a brand new tree where the old one was!”

Over at the knitting circle Natilie was talking about a competition she entered, when her branch of the Women’s Institute challenged another lot of Winstitutors to a speed knitting event where they had to knit the longest scarf in the shortest time; “I was determined to win so I treated myself to that expensive brand of speedy needles, the prize was a meal for two at a posh restaurant and there was no way anybody but me was going win it; I practiced several times to make sure I was unbeatable, and on the night everyone was going at a hell of a rate”, – “I assume you won”, said Polly, “actually I came last” said Natilie, “but it’s taking part that counts, it’s not about winning”.

Colin had been listening in, and couldn’t wait any longer to get going, “I bought an umbrella with brand name Napoleon, on a windy day it got blownapparte  – which letter of the alphabet has a shoe brand? Adidas – the most popular brand of car in Norway is Fjord – I‘m not scared of trees, they‘re all bark, no bite – the branch said to the tree, hello gorgeous, I’m growing on you – two owls sat on a branch, one said ‘I got married the other day’, an the other said ‘you twit, to who?’ – Chinese lumberjacks chop sticks – waiting is a boring job but it puts food on the table –  the lumberjack cut down exactly 56,675 trees, he knew because he kept a log – I met a lumberjack in the pub, great feller – I got some face cream that made me shed tears, it was called moist-your-eyes……”.

Landlord Len has been thinking about rebranding the pub, the name would stay the same because that was Maggie’s idea – “I need to find a way to attract more young people because on some busy nights it looks more like a retirement home in here”, he said; needless to say it didn’t go down too well especially with thirty-something Suzie, “I want you to jot down any suggestions you might have and pop them in that box over there” – I for one can’t wait to find out what they write! 

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Branch

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For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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A few pictures from home and abroad!/

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Let’s start in Morocco.

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I took these on the Greek island of Samos

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Here we are in Nepal

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Hello Dubai!

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Alongside Juliet’s balcony in Verona – note the warning, it is forbidden to deface the walls!

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Close to home, Hastings beach

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Far from home, Madeira

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Norway!

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Peru!

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…yes, they really are breast feeding dolls!

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A restaurant in Sicily

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Looks like we are in Madiera again!

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Someone, somewhere else!

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Meanwhile, back in Madeira they love to paint their doors!

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Having a doze in South Africa!

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A back street in Istambul

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 I love Turkish Delight!

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My beach!

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A bus shelter across the road!

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Fun fun fun!

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The roof of my car!

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…and finally, a foot away from where I’m sitting now!

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It’s my first go at driving a space car! It’s only a small one but I’m travelling alone so I don’t need a space-utility vehicle or a spacion wagon.

I’ve got a terrible sense of direction, I get lost driving to my local mall, so what I’m about to do is quite risky! I got myself a sat-nav gps thing, so I should be okay – assuming I can work out how to use the darn thing!

Three hours later

It’s seven in the evening, nearly time to go. Odd isn’t it? Down here it’s easier to see where you’re going when it’s light. Up there, it’s easier in the dark! Right, sat nav’s sorted, I’ve got my seat belt on and ready, steady….GO!

Blimey, this voice is bossier than my normal one, I’d better do as I’m told!

Head upwards and in 147 million 948 thousand 607 miles, turn right at Mars. 

Will do! 

Continue for 74 million, 402 thousand 197 miles until you reach Venus. 

Okay.

Circle 270 degrees and continue forward for 81 million 4 thousand and 80 miles.

So far so good, or very far so good!

A long time later 

You have reached your destination, for your health’s sake remain in your vehicle and ensure windows and doors are firmly closed. 

Well here we are, on Uranus. I remembered to be careful how I pronounced it! I can’t say I’m very impressed. Not much of a view, infact it’s really dull. 

Oh well. ‘Sat-nav, take me home’.

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

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Photo Credit; Steve Busch @ Unsplash

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I watched, humbled by the the solemnity of the mourners filing past a flaming pyre as the soul of a lifeless body departed for paradise.

Remains were scattered in the flowing muddy water amid swirling petals and scraps of yellow fabric. 

The end.

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My piece was inspired by an incident I witnessed whilst walking along a river bank in Nepal. It seemed disrespectful to take photographs at the time, so I took  this one after the funeral was over.

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt

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“Sorry I’m late”, said Babs as she entered The Baaamy Inn, “I needed to check on the sheep because the lambing season’s about to kick off, you wouldn’t believe how many ewes are up the duff;  a lovely lady called Linda’s going to help me this year, she used to work in the maternity ward at the hospital and she’s delivered hundreds of  babies, but she had a midwife crisis and decided to change careers, she fancied giving me a hand just for old time’s sake!”

“A girl applied for a job on my farm once”, said Arthur, “I thought I’d start by checking her animal recognition skills; I took her to the paddock and asked which ones were ones sheep and which ones were goats, then to the chicken shed and asked which were hens and which ones were roosters, then up to the top field, well, she asked me why all of the cows except one had horns so I said ‘some are born with horns and some not, some lose their horns and some have them removed, and by the way, that’s a horse’ ”.

Over at the knitting circle Polly was putting the finishing touches to a black and white check jumper, “it’s for my son, he’s taking part in the chess championships and I thought he might like to wear something approproiate; he gets his love of chess from his grandad, after he died we went through his things and as well as his beloved chess set we found a draughts board, scrabble, snakes and ladders and several crossword puzzle books – we had no idea he had such a checkered past!”.

“Talking of checks”, said George, “my missus went for a check up with the doctor yesterday, he told her she had the body of a twenty year old; I asked her what he said about her fat ass, and she said ‘he didn’t mention your name’, bloody cheek! – ”OY” yelled Landlord Len, “watch your language!”

“A group of chess players checked into a hotel in readiness for a tournament”, said Colin the Comic, “they were in the lobby discusing their recent victories when the manager asked them to disperse because he didn’t want chess nuts boasting in an open foyer –  if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep you get two animals that are in a baaaad moooood – a flock tumbling down a hill is a lambslide – a really fast sheep is a lamb-orghini – I crossed a sheep with a kangaroo to make a wooly jumper – in December, chickens celebrate eggs-mas – a cat swallowed a ball of wool and had mittens – I asked my wife to check if my car’s indicators were working and she said yes, no, yes, no, yes, no – checking obituaries first thing is my mourning routine – a man was standing on one leg in a bank, he was checking his balance……”

Earlier in the day Len checked out the pub’s insurance policy; he‘s not one for making up jokes, but as he climbed into bed he looked across to where his his long lost Maggie used to lay and said, “apparently if our duvet’s stolen in the middle of the night, we’re not covered!” – he was sure he heard her chuckle!.

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories  where this week’s given word is Check

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I was in the park. Trees were dancing, round and round. It was hot, so hot. It was snowing too, not ordinary snow, more like pink popcorn. 

There was a puddle, the water every colour of the rainbow. A maidmer sat in the middle, a fishes head, silky legs and brightly painted toenails. 

A woman clutching a bunch of multicoloured balloons floated towards me. A purple bird swooped down and burst them, pop-pop-pop.

I said hello and she went pop too. The bird stuck out its tongue and flew up to the blue moon. 

I really shouldn’t have eaten that cake.

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Prod Froggie to visit the squares!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

 

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

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