Keith's Ramblings

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It’s another evening at The Baaamy Inn and over at the round table, the ladies of the knitting circle are talking about funny errors they’ve made, like when Polly made five holes for four buttons and Betty made a glove with six fingers, “I was sitting knitting a jumper while watching a movie with my grandkids, the one about Nellie the Elephant”, said Natalie, “I was so absorbed in the film that I inadvertently knitted a third sleeve, well, just for a laugh I tried it on and one of the children said, ‘Granny, you look just like Nellie!’ “.

“My wife thinks I’m going deaf”, said Arthur, “the other evening I sat myself down at the dinner table and my wife called from the kitchen, ‘do you want two sausages or three?’, then she went into the hall and shouted ‘do you want two sausages or three?’, then she came closer and said ‘do you want two sausages or three?’, so I said ‘I told you the first time, I want three’ – and she thinks it’s me that’s hard of hearing!”

“I went to the karaoke session at The Fish Inn with my friend Big Bertha the other night”, said Babs, “she loves a good sing-song, when it came to her turn she climbed up on a table and belted out a song while swinging her arms around and jumping up and down; when she finished a guy called out, ‘nice legs’, and Bertha said ‘thank you’, he said ‘I meant the table’s legs, they must be pretty stong to support you,’ the cheeky devil!” – Suzie at the next table leapt to feet and started dancing and singing, “you put your right arm in, you right arm out, in out in out and shake it all about….”

Instead of playing golf, Ted had spent much of the day at the furniture store with his good lady, “our old stuff’s looking a bit tired so we thought we’d treat ourselves to some new bits and pieces, we chose a nice dining table and some really smart chairs, then the salesman shows us a fancy sofa; he said it would seat six people with no problem – I said I didn’t know six people without problems, and he gave me an odd look – I don’t think he realised I was joking”.

“Sofa so good then”, quipped Colin, and he was off –  “King Arthur’s round table was made by Sir Cumference – a bloke in the street offered me a settee and some armchairs, but I never take suites from strangers – I stubbed my toe on the sofa, couch!!!! – when the man who invented to remote contol died they found him down the back of the sofa – the furniture competition was a drawer – old chairs are given to charity – kings call musical chairs a Game of Thrones –  a cat swallowed some wool and had mittens – Mary’s hobbies were swimming and knitting  but her wool kept getting wet – my friend won’t sing with me so I have to duet alone – a singer’s favourite sausage is so-la-me …….”

Before retiring for the night, Landlord Len was watering a pot plant when he found a table tennis ball in the foliage, yesterday he’d found one behind the whisky bottles and the day before there was one in the log basket; he’d held another ping-pong tournament at the weekend and it had been a great success – it was something his dealy departed Maggie started many years ago; as he was about to turn out the lights he noticed a ball on the shelf behind a picture of them together, it had an kiss marked on it – ‘at last’, Maggie whipered, ‘I left it for you, I thought you’d never find it!.

Thanks to Denise for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Table.

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It’s not the same, sitting here without you.

Look, the swans are back. They are facing each other, their necks forming a love heart. ‘Just for us, my love’, you said when they did it once before. I wish you could see them now.

The sun’s hiding behind the clouds. I’ll forever remember the time you clapped your hands and it suddenly reappeared. ‘Magic’, you said. I pretended to believed you! 

Listen to me, talking to myself. Silly me.

There you are! What took you so long? You only went to the shop to get some toilet rolls and disinfectant.

Click a Froggie to visit the squares!

Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © Lily

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For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops vorious!

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Click pics to enlarge!

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I still miss who I once was. 

I had friends, lots of friends. Like minded friends.

If I needed help there was always someone to help me. If they needed help, I was there to help them. We helped each other

I did what I wanted, when I wanted. Where I wanted.

Never a day passed without a conversation or two. I’d listen to them, they’d listen to me. We listened to one another.

Now, my life has changed. I feel lonely. 

I have job in a warehouse. I stack shelves, I move boxes. I’m just another worker.

I’m surrounded by people, but not people who’s company I enjoy, who’s company I desire. Who’s company I value.

I have a roof over my head, I have a bed. I have food when I want it.

However, it’s not the same.

I slept rough, I slept under some arches. I slept on the ground.

Sometimes I was cold, sometimes damp. Sometimes hungry.

But life was simple, life was uncluttered. Life lived my way, not ruled and regulated by others.

I still miss who I once was.

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

Image credit; Tanya Barrow @ Unsplash

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They were the happiest few years of my life. The perfect couple, they called us. She was amazing, always the life and soul of the party. I was invariably the butt of her jokes but I didn’t mind!

Sadly, she lost her life but her soul lives on. I never believed in ghosts. She did, and now I know she was right.

She waits until I’m alone then softly creeps up on me. I know she’s nearby because there’s a chill in the air. 

She tries differing ways to kindle my interest. She moves things around, makes things spin and even tickles me. She’d dig me in the ribs if she wasn’t such a softie! Yesterday she tried to surprise me by coming down the chimney. She got covered in soot, you should have seen her!

Sometimes, just for fun, I blow her around the room with my fan! She loves it. Tonight I’ve a new plan, it’s a bit of a risk but it shouldn’t cause her any harm – I’m going to chase her with my vacuum cleaner!

Our unusual relationship shows no sign of waning. It’ll keep it  going until it’s my turn to pop my clogs, then once again we’ll be the perfect couple, a couple of gleeful ghosts that will entertain those we’ve left behind – you’ve been warned!

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Thanks to Brenda for hosting The Sunday Whirl. This week’s given words are – kindle risk dig until differing chill spin waning ghost softly alone know.

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For reasons which may become apparent, I decided not to attempt an audio!

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She was born Philomena, but she calls herself Mena because she dislikes words with more than a handful of letters. I wouldn’t call her hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobic though, mainly because I can’t pronounce it!

We went to a pub quiz. She did well! The capital of Italy …., singer Lady ….,  president of the USA, Donald ….., she actually said ‘Duck’, which was fitting bearing in mind that unfortunate incident a couple of years ago!

We were asked to define the word Inkling. Her face lit up, she had a vague idea what it meant.

‘It’s young tattoo artist’, she shouted!

Good try, Mena!

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt

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Here we are again at The Baaamy Inn where, on the farmers table, a thermos flask surounded by tankards of ale is attracting interest; “I popped into the milking parlour to see how Ditzy Daisy was getting on”, said Ted, “and she gave it to me; she said it was supposed to keep hot things hot and cold things cold, well, she said she’d filled it with steaming coffee then dropped in a scoop of ice cream, but later when she opened it, it hadn’t worked – I left her to her udder-tugging, I’ll have a go at at explaining where she went wrong tomorrow!”

Babs had been to visit her mother in her old folks home, “a bloke was standing up making them laugh, he said ‘twelve’, and they laughed, he said ‘fifteen’ and they laughed, I was interested to know why it was funny; apparently he only knows a few jokes and they all know them too, so instead of repeating them at length each time, he’s given each one a number; well, I was asked to sing a song, they like my dulcet tones, and when I finished I thought I’d amuse myself by saying ‘twenty-one’ – they nearly fell out of their chairs with laughter, some probably wet themselves – I asked why it was funny and a guy said, ‘because we’ve not heard that one before’!”  

“I went to funeral”, said George, “old Johnnie, he was always the life and soul of the party, a serial prankster, he would have hated seeing his friends and family all dressed in black looking glum, I remember him once saying he’d like to open an undertakers for people who wanted fun funerals, after all, the word funeral starts with f-u-n – he’d have a brightly coloured hearse that played tunes like an ice cream van, pallbearers dresses as ghosts and hilarious liturgies – he’d even scatter un-popped popcorn in the coffins to make cremations more interesting!” 

Over at the knitting circle, eavesdropper Polly was talking about her friend Fiona, “she was married to a banker, when he died she married an actor, unfortunately he died too then she married  priest; she says that if he dies she’ll marry an undertaker, they must be well off because it’s the only dying business that keeps going – Suzie at the next table leapt to her feet and started to sing – “one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready  then go go go!”

“I used to be a banker”, said Colin, “but I lost interest – Irish bankers are successful because their capital is always Dublin – the banker stayed single because he was a loner – I asked my banker to check my balance and she pushed me – I gave a speech about savings but it didn’t get much interest –  I’m going to retire tomorrow and live off my savings, what I’ll do on day two I haven’t a clue – I’m not attending my mate’s funeral, why should I, he’s not coming to mine –  funeral directors start their day with a mourning coffee – people are always dying to get their attention – I asked one how many bodies were buried in the cemetary and he said ‘all of them’ – being a mortician is gross but selling fruit and vegetables is grocer – I found a new interest in playing backwards origami, I’ll let you know how it unfolds – I’m giving away a puppet if anyone’s interested, no strings attached – the World Health Organisation has your best interests in mind, WHO knew ……..!”

Landlord Len is not that computer literate, but now and again he tries to be creative, infact he’s just composed, printed and scattered about some leaflets advertising a Spelling Contest, but so far there’s been little interest and he was wondering why – ‘it’s probably because they’re not keen on smelling compost’, his dearly departed Maggie whispered in his ear’ – “oh no, that wretched auto-correct’s been playing games with me again”, he muttered!

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where our given word is Interest.

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I knew I should have gone with you. Get some holiday clothes I said, and just look what you got.

When I said buy a colourful shirt I didn’t mean a Hawaiian one. What do you mean h-why not? Because I want you to blend in, not stand out, and as for those t-shirts, they’re so tight your man-boobs look bigger than my boobs.

When I said get some swimming trunks I meant baggy ones not skin tight budgie-smugglers, and just look at that hat. A baseball cap with that written on it is offensive! 

What’s this? Oh no…

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Click Froggie to visit the squares!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

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PHOTO PROMPT © Lori Wilson

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Before I leave, the picture of the beach on which Froggie is standing is one of several I took yesterday afternoon. A busy beach is not something we expect to see here on a weekday in May! Here are a couple more –

Click to enlarge

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For Wordlesss Wednesday and bloghops various.

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It was the hottest May day since records began, so they thought it best to cancel the dog show and continue with horses only.

In no particular order, this is some of what I saw!

Click pics to enlarge!

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My nightmare is about to begin.

I stand motionless as a moving stairway carries me down, down, down.

A tunnel envelopes me. To my left and right, behind me and before, people stand in silence. Motionless like so many statues, seemingly unaware of others that surround them.

The stillness is disturbed by a sudden rush of wind. A distant rumble becomes a roar as a silver snake rattles to a halt before me. A row of menacing doors hiss open, like hungry gaping mouths. I watch as a surging mass makes its escape, buffeting me in its frantic bid for freedom.

‘Mind the gap’ commands  an echoing voice.

I am carried forward by a throng, seemingly eager to be swallowed up. We cram against each other like sardines in a can. A jerk. I grip a post. We sway as one, this way and that, that way and this. Nobody speaks.

We are deep underground. My body is here, but it yearns to be above in a bustling street where folk are going about their lives oblivious to what is happening beneath their feet.

‘We are now approaching Angel’, utters a langid voice.

‘Mind the gap’, it says.

I stand motionless as a moving stairway carries me up, up, up.

Free at last!

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

Image credit; Douglas Schneiders @ Unsplash