Keith's Ramblings

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Heidrun longs to win the race. She heads along the lane – then trips headlong into a hedge. Shame.

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt

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Landlord Len likes nothing more than putting on a function, and last Sunday he hosted his favourite, The Great Baaamy Bake Off when folk bring their creations along to the marquee in the pub garden, from pavlovas to bread rolls; as usual, last to arrive was Bella, or Bella la’Ball as she calls herself, she likes to make a grand entrance and she swept into the tent carrying her bakes whilst wearing the skimpiest of dresses imaginable, “her buns looked magnificent!”, said Ted – “her food was quite nice too”, said Bert!

There are regular functions ar the village hall too, and over at the knitting circle Natalie was talking about her recent success at the annual dog show, “my dog Waverley won the Fastest Tail Wagging Contest again”, she said, “you should have seen it go, but one dog wagged so slowly and gracefully it actually hypnotised one of the judges; anyway, during the heatwave I thought about making a fan that I could attatch to Waverley’s tail to keep me cool, it could even be a business opportunity – I could make some and flog them to pet shops!”

“I’m not sure it’s true”, said Babs, “but someone told me about a dog that talked, it told people about how it rescued people from mountains and led lost people through forests, well, its owner decided to sell it and when asked why, he said ‘because it was a liar and never did anything like that’.

Colin cleared his throat, “ahem” he went, then he was off – “no-one turned up at the Indian food festival, it was a naan event – sausage festivals are the wurst – my dog’s clever, I asked what’s two minus two, and it said nothing – I went to an Ugliest Dog Contest and came first, my dog came third – a cat won the dog show, cat-has-trophy – I bought a dog from a blacksmith, when we got home he made a bolt for the door – my dog used to chase people on a bike a lot, eventually I took it’s bike away – I won a weather forcasting competition, I beat the raining champion – the art contest ended in a draw – I can’t function without my glasses, especially when they are empty – if you were 8 when Red Red Wine was released, UB40 now – I thought drinking wine would improve my French but it was all in vin – wine in a box is Cardboardeaux – my wife hates it when I mess with her wine, just now I put some lemonade and fruit in it and now she’s sangria than ever…..”  

Len has just had a new Guinness tap installed, but it’s refusing to function correctly, when he tries to pour a pint it gushes out, splashing and soaking his sleeves; it reminded Arthur about the time Len laid on a function to celebrate 25 years of marriage to his now dearly departed Maggie, “he was dressed in his finest bib and tucker, a smart suit and a bow tie and when he tried to open a bottle of wine he suffered a corkscrew malfunction and ended up with red wine all down his pristine white shirt!”.

Everybody had left, and having overheard the conversation Len was thinking back to that very occasion, “it was such a shame, Maggie”, he muttered, “I’ve never got over it” – ‘it was‘, she whispered in his ear, ‘such a waste of wine!’.

Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where the given word is Function.

The hotel was delightful, my room perfect and the staff charming.

I went down to the restaurant for a meal. It looked amazing. I asked for a table, and the receptionist said, “I’m afraid we’re busy now, sir, would you mind waiting for a while?”

“Of course not”, I replied.

“In that case”, she said, “take these drinks to table twelve and collect those empty dishes from table sixteen”.

I laughed thinking she was joking – then she handed me a tray of wine glasses.

At least I earned enough in tips to buy a burger from McDonalds down the street!

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Click a Froggie to visit the squares!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © Lori Wilson

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For Wordless Wednesday and blogs hops here there and everywhere!

Click pics to enlarge and improve.

The ukulele band

This is the Culbaba Theatre exhibit. It’s a charitable organisation based in Bexhill-on-Sea, founded by Ukrainian women now living in the UK. They are dedicated to preserving and presenting authentic Ukrainian traditional song, ritual and theatrical heritage.

Work in progress!

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Awaiting the flypast..

The Royal British Legion Band

Fancy a listen?

Meanwhile, out at sea…

At the Pavillion there was record Fair going on!

I could go on, but I’ll stop here!

NEXT WEEK –

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…Meet Artists Shaping Sussex, a festival of 3D Art in and around our wonderful De La Warr Pavilion!

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‘It has to be there somewhere’, said Percy.

Percy was a pianist of note, and he was performing at the Piano Bar when things went wonbly-woo. Plinkity-plonk-plinkity-plonk…nothing. Plonkity-plink-plonkity-plink… nothing.

He’d been playing The Flight of the Bumble Bee when B flat went missing. 

‘Come out come out wherever you are’, he yelled as he searched through the piano strings.

C  minor hadn’t seen it; neither had A. .F told him that it had, erm, gone off!

In fact, halfway through the piece B flat decided that being a bumble bee would be far more fun than being constantly bonked, so off he buzzed off to make honey.

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

Image credit; Matt Baron- Thomson @ Unsplash

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It was a beautiful evening at The Baaamy Inn and Landlord Len had invited some of the regulars to join him in the garden and sit around his fire pit leaving bartender Brenda to look after things inside; “these flames remind me”, he said, “I know it’s a while away but I’ve been thinking about Bonfire Night and maybe we should go traditional this year and have an effigy burning atop the fire, your scarecrows are outstanding in their field, Arthur, so I wondered if you could make us one that looks like Guy Fawkes” – you should have heard the guffaws!

“I remember going on a camping trip when I was a Boy Scout” said Ted, “one evening our leaders thought they’d cook some burgers over a fire, and decided to light it by rubbing a couple of sticks together, well, it was ages before a spark appeared and ages more before the logs caught alight by which time we were starving hungry – they were both smokers so why on earth they didn’t just use a cigarette lighter or match we had no idea!”

“I caught my farm hand smoking weed while herding up the cattle”, said Bert, “I told him that if he did it again I’d have to fire him, after all, there’s a chance it could have an affect the meat, and the steaks are pretty high”.

“Before you know it, it’ll be time to light the log fire again”, said Babs, “so yesterday I got in touch with Sootie Saul the chimney sweep to clean mine, he was telling me that in times gone by they sent children up chimneys to clear them, I assume they gave up because chimneys became slimmer, anyway he said he was watching a robot lawn mower and thought they should invent a robot chimney sweeper – there was one downside though, it is still customary to invite a chimney sweep to a wedding for good luck which is a nice little earner, but to be there with a machine on your shoulder rather than a brush just wouldn’t seem the same!”

“Socks are like Boy Scouts”, said Colin, “they come pre-paired – tinder is useless without a single match – camping is intense – my jacket caught fire, it was a blazer – my doctor asked if I smoked or drank alcahol, I said I drank it – fishes smoke seaweed – the price of chimneys is going through the roof – I got a free chimney, it was on the house – a flame smells like burnt nose hair – I burnt 2000 calories, ! forgot to take the chocolate brownie out of the oven – the match factory burned down when they went on strike – quitting smoking is easy, I’ve done it hundreds of times……..”.

After a successful evening Len sat back in his armchair and thought how much his dearly departed Maggie would have enjoyed it out there in the garden; “I had such fun”, he muttered – ‘I know’, whispered Maggie, ‘but make sure you shower before coming to bed, you stink of smoke!’

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where the given word is Fire!

*Incase you are a non-Brit baffled by the chimney sweeps at weddings reference –

The tradition of chimney sweeps bringing good fortune dates back hundreds of years. In the 18th century, King George III was famously saved by a sweep  after his carriage horses bolted. The sweep stepped forward to stop the runaway horses, saving the king’s life.

In gratitude, the king declared chimney sweeps to be symbols of luck and allowed them the rare honour of attending royal weddings. From there, the custom spread across Britain, and it became common for newlyweds to invite a sweep to their ceremony or reception to bless the marriage with prosperity, fertility, and happiness.

Now you know!

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“I call him my onion”, she said.

“I know, he’s certainly a man of many layers”, I replied as I put down my book, “as the saying goes, one should never judge an onion by it’s skin, or something like that”.

That’s not what I mean”, she said, dabbing her cheeks with a tissue, ”he’s forever driving me to tears, happy tears, sad tears”.

“Oh, now I understand. Dry your eyes and let me buy you a drink and a packet of crisps, what flavour would you like?

“Sour cream and onion please!”, she said as she cracked a smile.

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Prod a Froggie to visit the squares!

Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © Lisa Fox

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for Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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Another busy weekend in Bexhill that saw the return of FEASTival, a seafront celebration of food from around the world, drinks, crafty bits and pieces and, of course, music!

Click pics to tae a closer look

There’s something going on down there!

…a band playing at the Colennade, no idea what they were called but it was certainly drawing a crowd!

And then the sun went down!

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Bring a chair and some popcorn and watch a free screening of Zootropolis 2!

Next Saturday  E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL, and the following Saturday, A MINECRAFT MOVIE.

Before you go, fancy a sing song for a few seconds?

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That’s it for now – this coming Saturday will be Bexhill Day. Can’t wait!

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Harvest time, and the cornucopia of golden husks that addorned the field was amazing, almost more corn than he could cope with!

Maizey offered to help, how sweet, the corn would soon be safely gathered in.

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt

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There’s a sign above the bar in The Baaamy Inn that says ‘Cash, use it or lose it’, but despite it being there most people pay by cards or whatever, including Arthur who spent quite a while attempting to pay for a round using his phone, “it’s my grandson’s fault”, he said, “peruading me to bank online, he made me come up something called with a… what was it…a needle number I think, and he warned me that if I let slip it’s 1959 everyone will have access to my account, but worse than that, they’ll even know my birth year!”

“I can’t be without  cash”, said Ted, “that’s real money, without it I can’t slip a tip to the waitress in Kathy’s Caffy or drop coins into that homeless guy’s hat, it beggars belief; when I can’t make my mind up about something, I like to toss a coin, heads or tails, tossing a phone’s hardly the same, apparently they have an add, or an abb, or an ass or something called Googledoodle where you can get advice” – “the only ass on mine”, said Arthur, “is the photo I accidentally took of my bull’s backside” – “OY, watch your laguage” , yelled Landlord Len.

“Why are you wearing slippers, Bert?” asked Babs, “well, as I was about to leave the house I noticed one of my shoes was brown and the other one was black, I looked on my shoe rack and noticed my other pair was half black and half brown too, so I’m going to have to buy myself some new ones tomorrow”.

“Why are you sitting on a newspaper Babs?”, asked Bert, “well, I was counting my sheep before coming here and I started to fall asleep on my feet”, she replied, “it’s happening more and more of late, anyway going down the slope with my eyes half closed I accidentally slipped on a slick of mud and landed on my backside; I know the seats here aren’t as clean as they were back  when Maggie looked after them, but I didn’t want to make this one worse than it already is!”

“The limo I hired had no driver” said Colin, “all that money and nothing to chauffeur it – the Czech Republic doesn’t accept cash or cards – I know jokes about cash machines but I can’t think of one atm – a slipper is a shoe made from a banana –  I just slipped on a banana skin, I look ridiculous in it – the dentist became a brain surgeon when his drill slipped – dentist’s mistakes are accidental – I have trouble admitting my mistakes, it’s not my fault – farmers can’t keep secrets because the corn have ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk – I learn a lot from slip ups, I should make some more – I made a mistake at the shop, I wanted 6 Sprites but picked 7up – I couldn’t find any fresh ice, it was all frozen – I slipped on some spilt margarine and hurt my foot, I can’t believe it’s not better – a slippery book is is non-friction……”

As usual, at the end of the session Landlord Len was sorting out what cash he’d taken ready for the bank – his mind went back to when he and his dearly departed Maggie would sometimes play a game similar to Jenga and see how high they could pile the coins; just for old times sake he had another go and was doing quite well until it suddenly toppled over, “I know that was you Maggie, you naughty lady!” he muttered, he heard her chuckle and start singing her favourite song, ‘money money money, always funny…..’

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where our given word is Slip!