One by one, the ladies of the knitting circle arrived at The Baaamy Inn, ordered their drinks, took out their needles and wool and started click-clacking and chit-chatting away; last to arrive was Polly and as she sat herself down at the round table she looked out of the window and waved at a departing car, “that was my husband”, she said, “he’s been driving me to drink!” – you should have heard them laugh!
“I popped in for a pint ‘tother lunchtime”, said Arthur, “I was sitting at the bar chatting to Len when this grumpy looking guy walked in and plonked himself down next to me, I asked him if he was okay and he said ‘no, I’ve just been sacked from my job because made a simple spelling mistake by getting a couple of letters in the wrong order, I’m a tattoo artist not a bloody English teacher’ “
Ted had been doing jury service over the past few days and he was telling his fellow farmers about one of the other members, “he was bit of a joker like you Colin, and when the judge yelled ‘order, order’ he came out with time-old gag ‘a cup of tea and a biscuit please m’lud’, well, he got a right telling off, but as one witness after another said their bit he kept quietly mutttering inappropriate puns until the straight-laced foreperson asked for him to be dismissed, and so he was for being totally out of order!
“Len was telling me about a couple of smartly suited and booted gentlemen that came in the other day”, said Babs, “they looked a bit like lawyers, anyway they walked to the bar to order their drinks then sat down in the eating area where they each took sandwiches from their briefcases, Len told them they couldn’t eat their own food in his pub, so guess what they did – they only went and exchanged sandwiches with eachother!”
Once again it was time for Colin to take centre stage – “I made a spelling mistake once, I was away at conference and I got a text from my wife asking if I was enjoying myself, I replied ‘I am, I wish you were her’ – I got a text yesterday that read NBAG, that was bang out of order – I’m good at spelling bees, it’s the other insects I have trouble with – I can spell candy with two letters, C and Y – I failed a spelling test but I got an A for Affort – there’s a word spelled wrong in my dictionary, ‘wrong’ – if you order hay for your horses from Amazon they’ll ask for your feed back – I ordered a book of jokes a while ago, I finally got it – I ordered a chicken and an egg, I’ll let you know which comes first – a skeleton walked into a pub and asked for a beer and a mop – a bloke ordered a pint of less, the bar tender said ’what’s less?’ and the guy said ‘I don’t know but my doctor told me to drink it’ – I ate at Mary Poppin’s Restaurant, super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious – they’re opening a restaurant on the moon, nice food but no atmosphere…..”
When Landlord Len’s dearly departed Maggie worked the bar she always made sure the bottles were lined up in alphabetical order at the end of every session, Len carried on doing it for old time’s sake, but just now he thought he’d swap two of the bottles round; ‘vodka comes before whisky’, Maggie whispered in his ear- “I know my love, I was just checking you were here”, he said as he swapped them back again.’
Grandad loved April Fools Day, his pranks were hilarious! I remember him putting food colouring in a milk carton, the time he pretended to trip in my direction carrying a jug of juice – it was frozen!
There was a bucket atop his wardrobe. We were told never to look in it, he said it contained his bucket list. We guessed it was his list of pranks!
He died on April the first. He really did, it was no joke. We decided to look in the bucket. We found a piece of paper –
Once again everyone was present at The Baaamy Inn; “what’s that slimy mess on your trousers, Ted?”, asked Arthur, “well, I was playing golf with Micky March, the bloke with the chickens across the road from me that sells eggs at the market, and as I was about to tee off he suddenly said ‘look, there’s Flighty Flora’; obviously I stopped and turned, whilst unbeknown to me he was replacing my golf ball with one of his white eggs, hence that mess, he really is as mad as a March hare!”
“Time really does march by”, said Babs, “it seems like only yesterday it was February and now April’s knocking on the barn door; this month alone I’ve given birth to thirty five lambs – not literally of course even though I am married to Bertram Ramsbottom!”
“I’m joining all you other farmers on that protest march on Sunday” said Arthur, “not sure what it’s about but I thought I’d better take part; I just hope it’s not like the one I did when I was in the army; we were told we had to march ten miles, then half way up a very steep hill the Sergeant Major said ‘you’ve done five miles, just a few more to go…before we reach the starting point”.
“When I was a teenager I was an army cadet” said George, “one day we were all standing to attention about to do some march training, except for the lad next to me who was slouching; the Sergeant Major said ‘step forward boy, what’s your name?’ and he said ‘John, mister’ – the officer said ‘we don’t use first names just surnames and you call me Sergeant Major, now I ask you again tell me your name’, and the lad said ‘Darling, John Darling Sergeant Major’ – we were in hysterics!”
“I’ve got a French hen”, said Colin, “it only lays single eggs but un oeuf is enough – a row of rabbits marching backwards is called a receding hare-line – March is the best time to buy a mattress, that’s when they’re most springy – March 4th is not just a date, it’s a command too – there’s a place where January comes after February, and December comes before September, it’s the dictionary – how many months have 28 days?…all of them – nine months feels like a maternity – my wife said I’m in for a big surprise in nine months time, I can’t wait for Santa to come – bees become less decisive after April, they become maybees – two guys stole a calender, they both got six months – my mate got fired from a calender factory for taking a day off – how many seconds are there in a year? 12, January the 2nd, February the 2nd, March the 2nd…..”
Len was having fun making up March related things he thought his dearly departed Maggie might like to do, like eating marshmallows, mashing potatoes, playing matchstick puzzles, trying some magic mushrooms even; “what do you think Maggie?” he chuckled, ‘you should do it again in April Maybe’ she whispered!
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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is March.
He’s always been a bit cack-handed. You’d think having eight legs and sixteen little fingers to use he’d be quite good at knitting a web, but no, he always gets in a right ‘ole pickle!
The one he made just now looks a bit like my gran’s hairnet! It’s not too bad, but look what’s just happened – he’s only gone and got himself caught in the middle his own trap!
The local flies think it’s hilarious, they’re fluttering around laughing their little heads off! The poor fella’s asking them for help. Fine chance of that happening, especially on a Webnesday!
