Keith's Ramblings

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It was a beautiful evening at The Baaamy Inn and Landlord Len had invited some of the regulars to join him in the garden and sit around his fire pit leaving bartender Brenda to look after things inside; “these flames remind me”, he said, “I know it’s a while away but I’ve been thinking about Bonfire Night and maybe we should go traditional this year and have an effigy burning atop the fire, your scarecrows are outstanding in their field, Arthur, so I wondered if you could make us one that looks like Guy Fawkes” – you should have heard the guffaws!

“I remember going on a camping trip when I was a Boy Scout” said Ted, “one evening our leaders thought they’d cook some burgers over a fire, and decided to light it by rubbing a couple of sticks together, well, it was ages before a spark appeared and ages more before the logs caught alight by which time we were starving hungry – they were both smokers so why on earth they didn’t just use a cigarette lighter or match we had no idea!”

“I caught my farm hand smoking weed while herding up the cattle”, said Bert, “I told him that if he did it again I’d have to fire him, after all, there’s a chance it could have an affect the meat, and the steaks are pretty high”.

“Before you know it, it’ll be time to light the log fire again”, said Babs, “so yesterday I got in touch with Sootie Saul the chimney sweep to clean mine, he was telling me that in times gone by they sent children up chimneys to clear them, I assume they gave up because chimneys became slimmer, anyway he said he was watching a robot lawn mower and thought they should invent a robot chimney sweeper – there was one downside though, it is still customary to invite a chimney sweep to a wedding for good luck which is a nice little earner, but to be there with a machine on your shoulder rather than a brush just wouldn’t seem the same!”

“Socks are like Boy Scouts”, said Colin, “they come pre-paired – tinder is useless without a single match – camping is intense – my jacket caught fire, it was a blazer – my doctor asked if I smoked or drank alcahol, I said I drank it – fishes smoke seaweed – the price of chimneys is going through the roof – I got a free chimney, it was on the house – a flame smells like burnt nose hair – I burnt 2000 calories, ! forgot to take the chocolate brownie out of the oven – the match factory burned down when they went on strike – quitting smoking is easy, I’ve done it hundreds of times……..”.

After a successful evening Len sat back in his armchair and thought how much his dearly departed Maggie would have enjoyed it out there in the garden; “I had such fun”, he muttered – ‘I know’, whispered Maggie, ‘but make sure you shower before coming to bed, you stink of smoke!’

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where the given word is Fire!

*Incase you are a non-Brit baffled by the chimney sweeps at weddings reference –

The tradition of chimney sweeps bringing good fortune dates back hundreds of years. In the 18th century, King George III was famously saved by a sweep  after his carriage horses bolted. The sweep stepped forward to stop the runaway horses, saving the king’s life.

In gratitude, the king declared chimney sweeps to be symbols of luck and allowed them the rare honour of attending royal weddings. From there, the custom spread across Britain, and it became common for newlyweds to invite a sweep to their ceremony or reception to bless the marriage with prosperity, fertility, and happiness.

Now you know!

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“I call him my onion”, she said.

“I know, he’s certainly a man of many layers”, I replied as I put down my book, “as the saying goes, one should never judge an onion by it’s skin, or something like that”.

That’s not what I mean”, she said, dabbing her cheeks with a tissue, ”he’s forever driving me to tears, happy tears, sad tears”.

“Oh, now I understand. Dry your eyes and let me buy you a drink and a packet of crisps, what flavour would you like?

“Sour cream and onion please!”, she said as she cracked a smile.

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Prod a Froggie to visit the squares!

Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © Lisa Fox

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for Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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Another busy weekend in Bexhill that saw the return of FEASTival, a seafront celebration of food from around the world, drinks, crafty bits and pieces and, of course, music!

Click pics to tae a closer look

There’s something going on down there!

…a band playing at the Colennade, no idea what they were called but it was certainly drawing a crowd!

And then the sun went down!

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Bring a chair and some popcorn and watch a free screening of Zootropolis 2!

Next Saturday  E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL, and the following Saturday, A MINECRAFT MOVIE.

Before you go, fancy a sing song for a few seconds?

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That’s it for now – this coming Saturday will be Bexhill Day. Can’t wait!

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Harvest time, and the cornucopia of golden husks that addorned the field was amazing, almost more corn than he could cope with!

Maizey offered to help, how sweet, the corn would soon be safely gathered in.

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt

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There’s a sign above the bar in The Baaamy Inn that says ‘Cash, use it or lose it’, but despite it being there most people pay by cards or whatever, including Arthur who spent quite a while attempting to pay for a round using his phone, “it’s my grandson’s fault”, he said, “peruading me to bank online, he made me come up something called with a… what was it…a needle number I think, and he warned me that if I let slip it’s 1959 everyone will have access to my account, but worse than that, they’ll even know my birth year!”

“I can’t be without  cash”, said Ted, “that’s real money, without it I can’t slip a tip to the waitress in Kathy’s Caffy or drop coins into that homeless guy’s hat, it beggars belief; when I can’t make my mind up about something, I like to toss a coin, heads or tails, tossing a phone’s hardly the same, apparently they have an add, or an abb, or an ass or something called Googledoodle where you can get advice” – “the only ass on mine”, said Arthur, “is the photo I accidentally took of my bull’s backside” – “OY, watch your laguage” , yelled Landlord Len.

“Why are you wearing slippers, Bert?” asked Babs, “well, as I was about to leave the house I noticed one of my shoes was brown and the other one was black, I looked on my shoe rack and noticed my other pair was half black and half brown too, so I’m going to have to buy myself some new ones tomorrow”.

“Why are you sitting on a newspaper Babs?”, asked Bert, “well, I was counting my sheep before coming here and I started to fall asleep on my feet”, she replied, “it’s happening more and more of late, anyway going down the slope with my eyes half closed I accidentally slipped on a slick of mud and landed on my backside; I know the seats here aren’t as clean as they were back  when Maggie looked after them, but I didn’t want to make this one worse than it already is!”

“The limo I hired had no driver” said Colin, “all that money and nothing to chauffeur it – the Czech Republic doesn’t accept cash or cards – I know jokes about cash machines but I can’t think of one atm – a slipper is a shoe made from a banana –  I just slipped on a banana skin, I look ridiculous in it – the dentist became a brain surgeon when his drill slipped – dentist’s mistakes are accidental – I have trouble admitting my mistakes, it’s not my fault – farmers can’t keep secrets because the corn have ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk – I learn a lot from slip ups, I should make some more – I made a mistake at the shop, I wanted 6 Sprites but picked 7up – I couldn’t find any fresh ice, it was all frozen – I slipped on some spilt margarine and hurt my foot, I can’t believe it’s not better – a slippery book is is non-friction……”

As usual, at the end of the session Landlord Len was sorting out what cash he’d taken ready for the bank – his mind went back to when he and his dearly departed Maggie would sometimes play a game similar to Jenga and see how high they could pile the coins; just for old times sake he had another go and was doing quite well until it suddenly toppled over, “I know that was you Maggie, you naughty lady!” he muttered, he heard her chuckle and start singing her favourite song, ‘money money money, always funny…..’

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where our given word is Slip!

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I came across Fishy Fred walking along the riverbank.

‘Look what I caught’, he said. In his bucket was a sad looking baby –  then I noticed it had a tail!

‘A merbabe’, I exclaimed, ‘where did you find her…him…it?’

‘Sitting on that rock’, he said, ‘should I take it to the children’s home or the aquarium?’

I heard a voice in my ear. ‘Wake up sleepy-head’.

‘Oh, I nodded off, I just had a ridiculous dream’, I said to my girlfriend, ‘I dreamt Fred found a merbabe!’

‘How exciting, I hope it comes true’, she said, flapping her tail.

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Click the merfrog to visit the squares!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

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PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

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for Wordless Wednesday and boghops here there and everywhere!

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This year’s parade theme was The Movies!

Meanwhile in the park…

Some children were learning about CPR!

The funfair was still going strong!

24 hours later – what a difference a day makes! Now we just need some rain to bring the grass back to life.

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I love books, I’ve always got one on the go. A while ago John, a friend of mine asked me why I didn’t write one myself. It seemed a great idea at the time, but I’m finding it more difficult than I thought.

John’s an interesting person so unbeknown to him, he’s become my main character. I need to come up with something to spice the story up a bit, so I asked him if he had any ideas I could use.

He said he likes books in which the hero gets unexpectedly murdered towards the end.

I thought that was a great idea, however he might regret coming up with it – I forgot to tell him my book’s an autobiography!

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

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Image credit; Ebahir@ Unsplash

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He’s a miserable sod. His current obsession conerns the dreadful goings on in the underworld.

He claims he heard screams, then followed the desolate voices until he came upon a spiral staircase littered with bones leading down into a pit which resembled a devil’s temple.

Oh, the tales of woe he weaves.

There is so much to celebrate in this world. Sparks of joy not the dakness of doom. Reality not fantasy! Fairies, unicorns, magic, choirs of angels, ice cream! I’m right, aren’t I?

Oh, I just heard screams. I’ll let him follow them! Coffee anyone?

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Thanks to Brenda for hosting The Sunday Whirl where this week’s 12 words are – screams desolate temples bone sparks pit voices follow underworld spiral weave current

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…in 55 carefully chosen words!

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“Here it is, my gastronomic conglomeration of mulifarious constituents amalgumated then pulsed to create a heterogeneous and gratifying regale designed to galvanise and titilate ones taste buds. The components and methodology are known only to me and my multitudinous anticedants.  Savor and relish”.

It was, well, interesting. Less a hotpot, more a hodgepodge I’d say!

*or as we’d actually say in the UK, a hotchpotch!

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt

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