Keith's Ramblings

Swear words keep appearing on my screen, it’s a bloody nuisance – there it goes again! I blame it on the cursor.

Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt

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Bert arrived at The Baaamy Inn looking a little weary, “I’ve just come from my grandkid’s school sports day and there was a parent’s relay race, another granddad said we should form a team, after all, we are all parents and seventy is supposed to be the new forty, well, I agreed; you should have seen us attempting to rush around the circuit, it was touch and go, but we made it albeit coming in last, but our last was the new first – in granddad racing!”

“I was down at the village green earlier helping cut back the rushes”, said Ted, “and there was guy there with several fishes in a bucket, I told him fishing was not allowed and he could be fined, well, he said they were his pet fish and he drops them in the pond for a swim now and again, then calls them and they jump back into the bucket; well, I asked him to prove it and he flung them into the water – two minutes later I said, ‘aren’t you going to call your fish?’, and he said ‘what fish?’, then picked up the rod he’d hidden and wandered off!”

“The other day Freda was as in a rush to get somewhere and got stopped by a cop for speeding”, said Knitter Natale, “he asked her name and she said ‘Freda’, then asked for her sirname and she said ‘Gonow’, then he said, ‘so you are Freda Gonow’, so she thanked him and drove off, well, two days later she received a letter that said Speeding Fine – she was so relieved!”

“My lad had to rush to the hospital the other day”, said Ted, “because his wife had gone into labour, well, he made a phone call first to ask how it was going; the person on the other end said ‘fine, three out so far and the rest should be out by teatime’, then he realised he’d rung the cricket club by mistake!” 

“A friend of mine was rushed to hospital after eating a horse burger”, said Colin, “he’s in a stable condition now – pediatricians are always in a rush because they have little patients – my girlfriend likes racing, she looks dashing – my mother complains about hitting traffic during the rush hour, she should drive more carefully – she had a fear of speed bumps but she’s slowly getting over it – if you run in front of a car you’ll get tired, if you run behind, you’ll be exhausted – a dinosaur that rushes everywhere is a pronto-saurus – that South American girl that’s always in a hurry is Urgent Tina – I was in a rush and asked the waiter if my pancakes would be long and he said ‘no, round’ – you can’t rush through a campsite, you can only ‘rushed’ because it’s past tents – two ducks were in a pond, one said ‘quack’ and the other duck said ‘I was going to say that’ ….”

It had been a busy night at the Inn and the rush was finally over, “it was so much nicer when you where here to help me Maggie”, Len muttered – ‘whose to say I’m not?’, she whispered in his ear, ‘now get yourself upstairs!’ 

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Rush!

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He never meant to be a burden, but had been from his unwanted birth ‘til that day.

          …so off he went ….

His mother couldn’t cope, poor soul. No fault of hers. other couldn’t cope, poor soul. . 

     …climbed the fence, crossed the field…

He’d reached out to touch her heart, but in vain.

          …down a lane, entered a wood…

Best to leave. His heavy load would be lifted from her shoulders.

          …up a slope, over some rocks…

By sundown, he’d be far away, in another place.

           …along a narrowing track…

At last he’d given her something. Her freedom.

          …then lost his way at... 

The end..

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Click Froggie to visit the squares

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © A member of the Fields Family who didn’t care to be Identified..

…for Wordless Wednesday and bloghops here, there and everywhere!

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Take a walk around my town with me – bring your dog too!

Click images to take a closer look!

The popular Compass Bar retained the original shopfront signage

An undertaker that supplies school uniforms!

Not the smartest shop in town but one of the most interesting!

There are normally cushions on the barrels, but it was about to start raining!

A coffee bar cum barbers shop!

This old railway carriage is now a very popular restaurant!

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I don’t think they sell babies here!

A proper sweet shop!

Antiques and cappacino!

You can play darts and buy darts here!

Those were the days…

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“As they say, there’s life in the old dog yet”, he said to himself as he climbed from his bicycle and massaged his aching knees. “I’m going to follow my dreams, dreams that take me where I want to be”.

Right then, he wanted to be in a bar. He saw one, went in, ordered a beer … and there she was. The woman he’d been seeing in his dreams. She was beautiful. Getting on a bit, but younger than him, a kind of third age silver-haired Lolita!

He plucked up the courage to speak to her. “Of all the bars in all the world…do you come here often?” he said, reeling out a couple of  well worn cliches.

That was several weeks ago. They’ve met there a couple of times since, just for a chat, nothing more.

This morning, he decided move things up a notch and invite her out on a date. He went down on one knee, proffering a bunch of drooping flowers from the supermarket and asked the question.

“Of course”, she said, helping him get back onto to his chair, “like they say, there’s life in the old dog yet, and in this old pussy cat too!”

Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

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Move over Bayeux Tapestry, it’s my turn to create a work of art. In a thousand years time people will be queuing at The British Museum to see my creation! And by the way, you are an embroidery, you can’t even get your name right.

I have a roll of canvas seventy-one metres long, one metre longer than you, and threads of many colours. I’ll create a walk through a fantasy forest, there’ll be sunlight filtering through trees, mossy stumps and tufts of grass. Peacocks with gaudy feather plumes, water flowing through cracks in rocks and nymphs wearing ruffle gowns. There’ll be Spring flowers one end and a layer of snow at the other.

I guess it’s time to get stitching. Threading this needle isn’t easy, why do they make the eye hole so small? Right, here we go!

Ouch! I pricked my finger. Oh no, there’s a blood stain. Actually it’s quite pretty, it looks like a poppy! I wish I’d bought a thimble. I know, I’ll use a bottle cap! No, that doesn’t work.

Perhaps it wasn’t such a good idea after all, but what else can I do with seventy-one metres of canvas? Got it, I’ll make thirty-five and a half sacks, keep the one with the pretty poppy and sell the rest!

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Incase you are unaware – the Bayeux Tapestry is almost 1000 years old and a few days ago it was moved from France to the British Museum in London. It depicts the Norman invasion of England in 1066 which took place very close to where I live! If you’re interested to learn more, pop over here – https://www.britishmuseum.org/exhibitions/bayeux-tapestry
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Thanks to Brenda for hosting The Sunday Whirl where this week’s given words are – plumes tufts mosses fantasy fabric filtering threads forest cracks layer ruffle flow(ing)

I don’t often repeat stories, but now and again I can’t resist the opportunity! Here’s a shortened version of one I posted six years ago.

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Such a dull job. My colleagues think I’m miserable. I seldom smile. Or do I? Unbeknown to them, come nightfall I trade clerking for twerking!

On with my glossiest lipstick, my slinkiest dress and highest heels. A swing of my hips I’m on my way!

My favourite club. The music, the lights, wow! There’s Rob from sales chatting up Sally from accounts. He called me dreary the other day. I’ll show him, move over girl, I’m on my way!

Actually, I need the loo first. Remember, lady’s room not men’s.

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt

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With Summer drawing to a close, Landlord Len decided to fire up a Baaabecue in the pub garden, it’s not often the regulars get to see shy chef Shiela, she always enters by the back door, cooks, cleans up then leaves by the back door, so being surrounded by hungry people begging for burgers was not something she enjoyed; Len told everybody to form a line, “that’s why it’s called a barbe-queue not a barbe-crowd”, he shouted!

“I fancy a cigarette”, said Fred, “but Len wouldn’t like it, I remember the time a bloke lit one up and Len told him he had No Smoking rules and the guy said, ‘I know you don’t which is why I come here rather than pubs that do have them – which reminds me, I saw someone smoking two cigarettes an once, he said one was for him and the other for his brother who was in prison, well, next time I saw him he was only smoking one, so I asked if his brother had been released and he said, ‘no, I’ve given up smoking’ !”

“I had to fire one of my staff the other day”, said Arthur, “he always misunderstood everything I told him to do, apparently he often got sacked for that very reason; when he worked at the bubblewrap factory his boss gave him a roll of the stuff and told him to pop it in the corner – it took him all afternoon, he even got fired from the zoo because he took the signs on the cages saying ‘do not feed the animals’ literally”.

“Simon the Fireman got fired for inappropriate behavour”, said knitter Natalie, “they were called to fire at the Naughty But Nice night club and it turned out to be a false alarm, well, while Simon was checking it out he entered the lounge bar where there was a hen party going on and the girls assumed he was a stripper; he thought, ’why not’, and took off his uniform – he’s now going to make a career of it, he says he prefers having his cheeks licked by ladies than by flames!”

“A Mexican fireman had twins”, said Colin, “he named one José and the other Hose B – I was told to test my fire alarm once a month, it’s cost me a fortune in houses – the match factory burnt down when the workers went on strike – a jacket that catches fire is a blazer – if you see a fireman, put it out, man – a guy got fired from the calender factory for taking too many days off – the Pepsi employee was fired when he tasted positive for Coke – I burnt 1200 calories when I left the pizza in the oven too long –  3 Barbies in a line is a BBQ – a line of men waiting for a haircut is a barbercue – I went to a silent barbecue and ate sheesh kebabs – I burnt my Hawaiian pizza, I should have had my oven on aloa setting – the Italian pastry chef was injured, we cannoli hope he makes a full recovery – my wife’s a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm for a timer….”

Len looked down at the fireplace and for a moment he saw his dearly departed Maggie stacking logs, one upon another in the hearth; “you’ll always be the fire that warms my heart”, he muttered to himself – ‘and you are the flickering flame that dances in my soul’, she whispered.

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Fire

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I always found my daughter’s doll creepy. One day it mysteriously lost its head, how why and where I cannot imagine!

There’s a shop in town that sells new ones so I decided to head there. It was weird, like facing an audience. Some were smiling, some not. They were all attempting to grab my attention – I swear, one even winked at me!

I chose one, took it home and attempted to attach it but unfortunately, clumsy me damaged it.

“It just needs some plastic surgery”, I said.

My wife would have frowned if she hadn’t just had some herself!

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Click Little Miss Froggie to visit the squares

Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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At the weekend I enjoyed Bexhill’s annual Classic Car Show. There were 476 vehicles on display and I took over 200 photos! Here are just a few of them.

Click pics to enlarge

I used to sell these beauties!

I had a Citroen 2CV Dolly identical to this one

…had one of these too!

I passed my driving test in one like this!

My namesake!

Bexhill used to have a small sports car manufacturer called Elva

There were loads of Amercan cars too

There were lots of things to buy!

And if that wasn’t enough, there was dog show going on in one corner as well – it was cancelled earlier in the year due to a heat wave.

Sorry there were so many pics this week!

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