Keith's Ramblings

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With Summer drawing to a close, Landlord Len decided to fire up a Baaabecue in the pub garden, it’s not often the regulars get to see shy chef Shiela, she always enters by the back door, cooks, cleans up then leaves by the back door, so being surrounded by hungry people begging for burgers was not something she enjoyed; Len told everybody to form a line, “that’s why it’s called a barbe-queue not a barbe-crowd”, he shouted!

“I fancy a cigarette”, said Fred, “but Len wouldn’t like it, I remember the time a bloke lit one up and Len told him he had No Smoking rules and the guy said, ‘I know you don’t which is why I come here rather than pubs that do have them – which reminds me, I saw someone smoking two cigarettes an once, he said one was for him and the other for his brother who was in prison, well, next time I saw him he was only smoking one, so I asked if his brother had been released and he said, ‘no, I’ve given up smoking’ !”

“I had to fire one of my staff the other day”, said Arthur, “he always misunderstood everything I told him to do, apparently he often got sacked for that very reason; when he worked at the bubblewrap factory his boss gave him a roll of the stuff and told him to pop it in the corner – it took him all afternoon, he even got fired from the zoo because he took the signs on the cages saying ‘do not feed the animals’ literally”.

“Simon the Fireman got fired for inappropriate behavour”, said knitter Natalie, “they were called to fire at the Naughty But Nice night club and it turned out to be a false alarm, well, while Simon was checking it out he entered the lounge bar where there was a hen party going on and the girls assumed he was a stripper; he thought, ’why not’, and took off his uniform – he’s now going to make a career of it, he says he prefers having his cheeks licked by ladies than by flames!”

“A Mexican fireman had twins”, said Colin, “he named one José and the other Hose B – I was told to test my fire alarm once a month, it’s cost me a fortune in houses – the match factory burnt down when the workers went on strike – a jacket that catches fire is a blazer – if you see a fireman, put it out, man – a guy got fired from the calender factory for taking too many days off – the Pepsi employee was fired when he tasted positive for Coke – I burnt 1200 calories when I left the pizza in the oven too long –  3 Barbies in a line is a BBQ – a line of men waiting for a haircut is a barbercue – I went to a silent barbecue and ate sheesh kebabs – I burnt my Hawaiian pizza, I should have had my oven on aloa setting – the Italian pastry chef was injured, we cannoli hope he makes a full recovery – my wife’s a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm for a timer….”

Len looked down at the fireplace and for a moment he saw his dearly departed Maggie stacking logs, one upon another in the hearth; “you’ll always be the fire that warms my heart”, he muttered to himself – ‘and you are the flickering flame that dances in my soul’, she whispered.

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Fire

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I always found my daughter’s doll creepy. One day it mysteriously lost its head, how why and where I cannot imagine!

There’s a shop in town that sells new ones so I decided to head there. It was weird, like facing an audience. Some were smiling, some not. They were all attempting to grab my attention – I swear, one even winked at me!

I chose one, took it home and attempted to attach it but unfortunately, clumsy me damaged it.

“It just needs some plastic surgery”, I said.

My wife would have frowned if she hadn’t just had some herself!

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Click Little Miss Froggie to visit the squares

Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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At the weekend I enjoyed Bexhill’s annual Classic Car Show. There were 476 vehicles on display and I took over 200 photos! Here are just a few of them.

Click pics to enlarge

I used to sell these beauties!

I had a Citroen 2CV Dolly identical to this one

…had one of these too!

I passed my driving test in one like this!

My namesake!

Bexhill used to have a small sports car manufacturer called Elva

There were loads of Amercan cars too

There were lots of things to buy!

And if that wasn’t enough, there was dog show going on in one corner as well – it was cancelled earlier in the year due to a heat wave.

Sorry there were so many pics this week!

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My friend drops little white pebbles when he takes random walks in wild places so that he can find his way back again. When he told me about it I laughed. ‘I’ve bought this compass which I’ll clip a to a silver neck chain’, I said. ‘Far more sensible’, I said.

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Let me think now. My trusty, though slightly rusty compass says I’m heading south-east. I want to go back, so I need to go east-south…no west-north…no…oh dear!

My shadow was behind me, so now it needs to be in front. Trouble is, the sun’s decided to hide behind some clouds.

I’m sure I passed that moss covered rock. I sat on it and it was soft as velvet. I expected it to be dry, but it wasn’t and I got a wet backside. I still have.

I remember seeing a tree with cones on it. There’s one down there, but there’s another up there. 

I teased my brother when he bought that drone camera thing, now I wish I had one, so now what do I do?

I’ll shout for help. ’Help!’. Someone shouted back – but they also shouted ‘help’. Oh, no, it was an echo. I was shouting to myself and I was no help at all!

Oh look, there’s a little white stone, and another, and another…I think I’ll follow them.

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Thanks to Brenda for hosting The Sunday Whirl where this week’s words are – velvet compass echo random rust(y) silver shadow pebble stone drone clip dry.

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With Summer almost over I thought I’d enjoy a meal alfresco while I still could.

I found myself a table in the pub’s garden, but just as my first course arrived the sun disappeared and it started to pour with rain.

It took me two hours to eat my soup.

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt

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Bert entered The Baaamy Inn carrying a very large book, “I thought you’d like to see it”, he said, “I got it the charity shop and it’s called a Thesimouse or something like that and it’s a kind of dictionary but instead of containing the meanings of words it gives you words that mean the same, similarims I think they call them; I’m going to keep it on my coffee table in place of my dad-joke book to improve my image, or ameliorate my simulacrum as I wrote down on this piece of paper!”

“I went to The Fish Inn pub quiz last night”, said Ted, “and one question asked for the longest word in the English dictionary, well, that Dutch bloke, Clever Clogs got it right and it’s not even his first language, it began with P and 47 letters later in ended with A, well, I disputed it because I think the longest word is smiled because S and D are a mile apart!” – Suzie at the next table leapt to her feet and began to sing, “it’s only words and words are all I have to steal your heart away…”

“Word has it”, said Polly “that English teacher Elspeth wants to join our knitting circle, I remember her telling me once about a boy in her class that tripped over – he jumped up, started hopping around the classroom then let out a certain four letter swear word which I won’t repeat in case Len hears me, well, she told him off and said, ‘where did you learn that word, you don’t even know it means’, and he said, ‘yes I do, I learned it from my Dad when he kicked a table leg – it means ouch, I’ve stubbed my toe’ “.

“I was talking to Equine Earnie”, said Babs, “he’s joined a writing club where they are given a challenge each week; he had to write a sentence using the words defence, defeat and detail, he said it was perfect for him and wrote,’ when a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first, then detail – clever, eh?”

“I hate it when people forget an apostrophe”, said Colin, “if I see it again I swear I’ll be ill – if tomb is pronounced toom, and womb, woom, surely bomb should be boom – the shortened form of World Wide Web has three times more syllables – you politely pronounce a Welsh town Caerphilly – a mouse that swears is a curser – the word seven has even in it, that’s odd – the word starting with E and ending with E that only has one letter in it is envelope – the only word spelled wrong in the dictionary is wrong – if you add two letters to short it becomes shorter – I spell candy with two letters, C and Y – prison is one word to us but to some it’s a sentence – the word Diputseromneve may look ridiculous, but backwards it’s even more stupid – German for bra is stoppenfromfloppen – they say that icy is the easiest word to spell, now I see why – I did badly in my spelling exam, but I got A for affort – don’t spell part backwards, it’s a trap……”

Landlord Len and his dearly departed Maggie used to love playing word games, Lexicon Len she used to call him. Everyone had left but words remained and as he sat on a stool romantic ones began entering his mind, ones that summed up their love for one another; “what one word meant and remains the most amorous to you, Maggie?” he muttered, ‘simple’, she whispered, ‘Len, of course’’.

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Word!

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I wanted some sound effects to play whilst reading my hornet poem. I found a vinyl recording, but the buzzing noise didn’t sound right. Hornets mainly hum. When I took it back to the shop, the guy said I’d played the bee side.

I still didn’t like the way it sounded so I swapped it for a record by Sting.

I’m sure you’re dying to hear my composition, so here goes….

Hmmmm

What in the world is a hornet for?

It doesn’t contribute a thing.

All that it does is annoy me,

and bloody well hurts when it stings!

Hmmmm

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Prod Froggie to visit the squares – but be careful!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT c, Dale Rogerson

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For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops here and there!

Bexhill’s iconic De La Warr Pavillion, which is currently undergoing a multi-million pound refurbishment, hosted MASS, a celebration of modern 3D art by artists from across our beautiful county of Sussex.

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On the Terrace

On the Sun Deck – where the grass used to be green!

On the roof – ‘Stitch for Change’

The Auditorium – ‘Mass Exposure’, artists selling their work.

Back outside – we listened to Sound Sculptures, here’s few seconds worth!

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…and Madam kept an eye on thing as we enjoyed a little refreshment!

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I quite enjoy being a statue, it’s great being able to watch people without being asked what I’m staring at!

Here comes another lot, time to put on my stony face expression again, pardon the pun!

It was funny the other day, a bloke looked down from the balcony and said to his wife, ‘I wish you had a pair like that’, and he got a slap around the face!

Here come twenty old folk with the tour guide. They stop as one, turn as one, start moving as one like a human murmuration. Listen to them, ‘how interesting, goodness me, well I never, that’s fascinating, isn’t she beautiful Doris’.

I say, look at this handsome young man! Try stroking in my marble young man. Ooh, cheeky boy!

Oh good, the lights are going out and it’s time to join One Tit Tina and Noseless Nick for our nightly chat. Headless Harold too, no doubt he’ll be talking out of his you-know-where as usual!

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Here’s what Suno made of it!

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

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It was a windy morning and I was strolling along the strand watching the foaming water ebb and flow as the waves crashed ashore.

You know how it is when you spot something and have a sudden urge to get your hands on it? In the Beach Bites cafe window were cakes of many colours and one stood out, a red velvet one. I couldn’t resist it so went inside and asked for piece.

It was delicious, seductive even. It’s at times like that my mind strays to another place, modesty prevents me from saying where! It even attracted the attention of a bee which began creeping across the table in my cake’s direction. Suddenly the inner poet in me appeared, it often does in such dreamlike situations…

Bumble bee, that is not funny

Now buzz off and make some honey.

Not  bad, eh?

As  I ate the last crumb and licked the plate I wondered if I could cook a red velvet cake myself.

Early the next morning, there I was stirring and churning. Was I actually making one I hear you ask? No, I’m a builder, not a baker, I was mixing cement!

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Thanks to Brenda for hosting The Sunday Whirl where this week’s given words are – waves cake strays strand churning spot buzz colours sudden flow early and stirring 

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