Before I start – I have an extremely busy few days coming up, both entertaining and being entertained, so I’m afraid I won’t have the time to drop by your blogs and leave comments in the normal way. Please don’t think I’ve forgotten you, I’ll be back next week!
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“I really need this”, said Arthur, supping his pint so fast that half of it was running down down his chin, “that supermarket, Costalot or whatever it’s called, has opened a brand new branch in town and her indoors insisted I went there with her this afternoon, I grabbed a case of Budweiser and dumped it in the cart, it was only a tenner but she complained and told me to but it back, then lo and behold, she grabbed an expensive brand of face cream and dropped that in the cart; I asked her why and she said because it makes her look beautiful, and I said ‘so do a couple of Budweisers and they’re only half the price’ – it didn’t go down too well!”
“I was chatting with Billy Brand”, said Babs, you know, that guy that sweeps the streets, he told me he’s had enough of of clearing up other people’s mess and needed a change of career, but he couldn’t make up his mind about what he should do, he said he wasn’t suited to being a tailor, he couldn’t cut it as a barber, he didn’t have the patience to be a doctor, pool maintenance was too draining, there was no future in being a historian, if he was a masseur he’d rub people up the wrong way”; “so what’s he going to do?” asked Suzie at the next table, “ he’s got a brand new job as a cleaner at that new supermarket in town!” she replied!
“The other day I decided to have an tree removed”, said Ted, “it was too close to my living room window and the branches blocked my view so I called Jack, that lumber guy and asked him to do it for me, after he cut it down he left a stump and recommended a guy to remove it, well, the bloke dug up the stump and left a great big hole and recommended a landscape gardener who’d would make it look nice for me, to cut a long story short I came here for a pint while he was doing it and when I returned home I found he’d planted a brand new tree where the old one was!”
Over at the knitting circle Natilie was talking about a competition she entered, when her branch of the Women’s Institute challenged another lot of Winstitutors to a speed knitting event where they had to knit the longest scarf in the shortest time; “I was determined to win so I treated myself to that expensive brand of speedy needles, the prize was a meal for two at a posh restaurant and there was no way anybody but me was going win it; I practiced several times to make sure I was unbeatable, and on the night everyone was going at a hell of a rate”, – “I assume you won”, said Polly, “actually I came last” said Natilie, “but it’s taking part that counts, it’s not about winning”.
Colin had been listening in, and couldn’t wait any longer to get going, “I bought an umbrella with brand name Napoleon, on a windy day it got blownapparte – which letter of the alphabet has a shoe brand? Adidas – the most popular brand of car in Norway is Fjord – I‘m not scared of trees, they‘re all bark, no bite – the branch said to the tree, hello gorgeous, I’m growing on you – two owls sat on a branch, one said ‘I got married the other day’, an the other said ‘you twit, to who?’ – Chinese lumberjacks chop sticks – waiting is a boring job but it puts food on the table – the lumberjack cut down exactly 56,675 trees, he knew because he kept a log – I met a lumberjack in the pub, great feller – I got some face cream that made me shed tears, it was called moist-your-eyes……”.
Landlord Len has been thinking about rebranding the pub, the name would stay the same because that was Maggie’s idea – “I need to find a way to attract more young people because on some busy nights it looks more like a retirement home in here”, he said; needless to say it didn’t go down too well especially with thirty-something Suzie, “I want you to jot down any suggestions you might have and pop them in that box over there” – I for one can’t wait to find out what they write!
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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Branch
It’s my first go at driving a space car! It’s only a small one but I’m travelling alone so I don’t need a space-utility vehicle or a spacion wagon.
I’ve got a terrible sense of direction, I get lost driving to my local mall, so what I’m about to do is quite risky! I got myself a sat-nav gps thing, so I should be okay – assuming I can work out how to use the darn thing!
Three hours later
It’s seven in the evening, nearly time to go. Odd isn’t it? Down here it’s easier to see where you’re going when it’s light. Up there, it’s easier in the dark! Right, sat nav’s sorted, I’ve got my seat belt on and ready, steady….GO!
Blimey, this voice is bossier than my normal one, I’d better do as I’m told!
Head upwards and in 147 million 948 thousand 607 miles, turn right at Mars.
Will do!
Continue for 74 million, 402 thousand 197 miles until you reach Venus.
Okay.
Circle 270 degrees and continue forward for 81 million 4 thousand and 80 miles.
So far so good, or very far so good!
A long time later
You have reached your destination, for your health’s sake remain in your vehicle and ensure windows and doors are firmly closed.
Well here we are, on Uranus. I remembered to be careful how I pronounced it! I can’t say I’m very impressed. Not much of a view, infact it’s really dull.
I watched, humbled by the the solemnity of the mourners filing past a flaming pyre as the soul of a lifeless body departed for paradise.
Remains were scattered in the flowing muddy water amid swirling petals and scraps of yellow fabric.
The end.
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My piece was inspired by an incident I witnessed whilst walking along a river bank in Nepal. It seemed disrespectful to take photographs at the time, so I took this one after the funeral was over.
“Sorry I’m late”, said Babs as she entered The Baaamy Inn, “I needed to check on the sheep because the lambing season’s about to kick off, you wouldn’t believe how many ewes are up the duff; a lovely lady called Linda’s going to help me this year, she used to work in the maternity ward at the hospital and she’s delivered hundreds of babies, but she had a midwife crisis and decided to change careers, she fancied giving me a hand just for old time’s sake!”
“A girl applied for a job on my farm once”, said Arthur, “I thought I’d start by checking her animal recognition skills; I took her to the paddock and asked which ones were ones sheep and which ones were goats, then to the chicken shed and asked which were hens and which ones were roosters, then up to the top field, well, she asked me why all of the cows except one had horns so I said ‘some are born with horns and some not, some lose their horns and some have them removed, and by the way, that’s a horse’ ”.
Over at the knitting circle Polly was putting the finishing touches to a black and white check jumper, “it’s for my son, he’s taking part in the chess championships and I thought he might like to wear something approproiate; he gets his love of chess from his grandad, after he died we went through his things and as well as his beloved chess set we found a draughts board, scrabble, snakes and ladders and several crossword puzzle books – we had no idea he had such a checkered past!”.
“Talking of checks”, said George, “my missus went for a check up with the doctor yesterday, he told her she had the body of a twenty year old; I asked her what he said about her fat ass, and she said ‘he didn’t mention your name’, bloody cheek! – ”OY” yelled Landlord Len, “watch your language!”
“A group of chess players checked into a hotel in readiness for a tournament”, said Colin the Comic, “they were in the lobby discusing their recent victories when the manager asked them to disperse because he didn’t want chess nuts boasting in an open foyer – if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep you get two animals that are in a baaaad moooood – a flock tumbling down a hill is a lambslide – a really fast sheep is a lamb-orghini – I crossed a sheep with a kangaroo to make a wooly jumper – in December, chickens celebrate eggs-mas – a cat swallowed a ball of wool and had mittens – I asked my wife to check if my car’s indicators were working and she said yes, no, yes, no, yes, no – checking obituaries first thing is my mourning routine – a man was standing on one leg in a bank, he was checking his balance……”
Earlier in the day Len checked out the pub’s insurance policy; he‘s not one for making up jokes, but as he climbed into bed he looked across to where his his long lost Maggie used to lay and said, “apparently if our duvet’s stolen in the middle of the night, we’re not covered!” – he was sure he heard her chuckle!.
Horoscope. What an odd word. If you didn’t know better you’d imagine it was a forecast of horrible things that were about to happen! However, it’s the first page I turn to in my newspaper hoping what I’ll actually find is a Hapiscope!
I have a mental checklist of things I look for.
Luck. I’ve never been a particularly lucky person, so it makes my day if I’m told my luck is about to change!
Money. Am I about to win on the Lotto? Surely, it’s just a matter of time.
Courage. Sometimes I’m told to be brave, bold, to go for it! So go for it I do!
Love and Passion. I’ve had my fair share in the past without much success. If it predicts I’m about to have another shot at it, I admit to feeling a little apprehensive!
Happiness. That’s the most important one for me. It comes, it goes. But if happiness is predicted, my day becomes a happier one even if nothing happy happens!
Having said all that, my horoscope is more often wrong than right!
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Next I head for the crossword.
One across, star sign predictions, nine letters…..
