Keith's Ramblings

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As well as being a Baaamy boozer, Fred is also a football coach for the local under eighteen team, “I had to stop the game and call young Johnny over, I told him that win or lose we play at a  team, to curse and swear at the other side was not acceptable and to call the referee an idiot and then threaten to punch him was disgraceful, then I said to him ‘go over there and repeat everything I’ve just said to your gobby grandfather’ ”.

“The other day I was chatting to Tracy”, said Arthur, “she teaches the tiny tots at the toddler school and during playtime five-year-old Milly was sitting in a pedal car and having difficulty making it move, then suddenly the frustrated child started swearing, Tracy told her she shouldn’t curse and anyway, she didn’t know what those words meant – Milly said ‘yes I do, I learned them from my Daddy, they mean my car won’t start’ “.

“That reminds me”, said Babs, “I’ve been having trouble with my parrot, she keeps cursing, where she’s learned it from I don’t bloody know, well I mentioned it to Dick the Vic because I knew he also had one; he told me that his just says prayers and suggested I take mine to the vicarage so they could meet, well, when I entered his room mine said, ‘well, hello’, and his raised its wings and said, ‘hallelujah, my prayers have been answered!’

Over at the knitting circle, Polly was telling her fellow knitwits that just lately everything was going wrong, she thought she was cursed, “I decided to visit a fortune teller hoping I might get prior warning of upcoming mishaps”, she said, “he was not much help but as I was leaving he gave me a gift, a calendar, I gave it a cursory glance and noticed the last two months were missing, worrying, anyway I then visited a palmist hoping for better luck and he said I could ask three questions – I asked him what kind of questions and he said ‘anything’, I said don’t you think £30 is a lot to pay for three answers?’ and he said, ‘no, not really, that’s two gone, what’s your third?’ “.

“Two fortune tellers met”, said Colin, “one said ‘your day’s going fine, how’s mine going?’ – I thought about becoming a fortune teller, but something told me there was no future in it – the fortune teller said he foresaw six years of bad luck, I asked if things would then get better and he said ‘no, you’ll have just got used to it’ – it’s bad luck to believe in superstition – fancy swearing is cursive – I used to be a chef that cursed a lot, then I discovered oven mits – I don’t curse, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink…dammit, I left my cigarettes in the pub – I banged my head and swore, I was con-cussing – someone who cares for swear words is a cuss-todean – a mouse that swears is a cursor – the animal that curses the most is the hippopottymouth – apathy is a curse, but don’t care enough to do anything about it – the painkiller that makes you curse is called I be profane – my alarm clocked cursed instead of beeping, I got a rude awakening…..”

Bad language in the Baaamy Inn is a no-no, Landlord Len objects to cursing of every nature, and this evening things had got a little uncomfortable on occasions; his dearly departed Maggie used to tease him about it and couldn’t resist whispering something in his ear, ’I love you Len, I swear’, she said –  “I love you too, Maggie, I promise”, he muttered, “but I don’t swear!” – you should have heard them chuckle!

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories, where this week’s given word is Curse.

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With over a hundred cookery books, you’d think finding a recipe would be easy. It’s not. Scrolling through three-thousand recipes takes ages.

I chose one to impress my guest, Gourmet Gloria. Kotopoulo me patates sto fourno, chicken and spuds to you and me.

It was well underway when she arrived. She walked in and said, ‘I smell fowl’. I said, ‘well spotted, fowl indeed. Chicken, in fact.

‘No’, she said, ‘I stink, I trod in some poo on your path, you really should clear up after your dog’.

‘My fault for getting a Shih Tzu’, I said, ‘fancy a Dirty Martini?’

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Click a Froggie to visit the squares!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © Roger Bultot

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…for Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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We’ll start in Greece

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Now to Mozart’s home in  Salzburg, Austria

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Next, a bar in Sicily that featured in The Godfather movie

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Also in Sicily

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Here we are in Dubai

The Northern Lights Cathedral, Norway

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A Chinese garden

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Juliet’s balcony in Verona

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The Vatican

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Katmandu

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Morocco

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Some front doors in Madeira

Also Madeira

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Somewhere in Italy

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Somewhere else in Italy!

Guess!

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Krakow, Poland

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The panorama lounge on my Norwegian boat

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Here are a few from in and around where I live!

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Finally, my favourite pub. It’s in Winchester, fancy a drink?

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Dapper Daniel flung back the curtains and gazed from his window. It was a perfect day. The sky was blue and the trees adorned with Autumnal tones. He had just one errand to complete, after which the remainder of the day was his to enjoy. What could be nicer than a boat trip along the river that flows through the forest?

Mission accomplished, he prepared himself for what was to come. Always one to dress appropriately, Dan donned his ruddy shirt and amber shorts, then set off for the mooring place.

As the boat made its way downstream, all he could hear was the quiet chug-chug of the motor, singing birds, and rippling water. Pure bliss.

After a while, they stopped. The captain invited his passengers to step ashore for a while and take a stroll upon the leafy carpet beneath the bronzed trees.

An hour passed, and the roamers returned to the vessel, all of them except for Daniel. They searched for him, but he was nowhere to be seen.

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Deep in the forest, he began to think that wearing those clothes was not such a good idea. To make matters worse, he’d visited the tanning salon earlier in the day and adopted an orange hue from head to toe. He got some very funny looks from a couple of rabbits who thought a tree had come to life!

To cut a long story somewhat shorter, he eventually came across a road and made his way back home on foot. 

It had been an event he’d rather forget and one he’ll forever keep to himself. Nobody knows of it but you and I, so please, for Daniel’s sake, keep it to yourself!

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

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I got the sack the other day. My boss said he’d found a gizmo that could carry out my job more efficiently and speedily. When I told my wife, she asked where she could buy one, cheeky mare!

I admit, I was a bit slow, and I was known to make the odd mistake now and again. But to replace me with a robot or whatever was an insult.

I blamed all my blunders on my fools … I meant tools.  Oh, this stupid keyboard!

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt

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They were all present and correct at The Baaamy Inn, and with a snap of his fingers, Ted stood then marched to the bar for another round of drinks; “I used to hate people snapping their fingers at me when I was a part-time waiter whilst at Agricultural College”, said Arthur, “once when it happened I walked over to the table and this pompous bloke said, ‘I bet you can’t guess how I like my steak cooked’, I said ‘medium rare?’, then he clapped his hands and said, ‘well done, lad’, I wasn’t sure what to think!”

“During my younger years”, said Babs, “I thought I’d try earning money as a photographer, choosing the camera wasn’t easy, but I made a snap decision and bought the cheapest one I could, well, a couple I met asked me to take some pictures at their wedding and on the big day I aimed my camera at them and said, ‘say cheese’; they frowned instead of smiling – I wasn’t to know they were vegans, anyway, the most I ever earned with my cameras was when I sold it”.

“I bought myself an expensive camera to take on a safari holiday with my mate Bob”, said Bill, “we got ourselves some wide-brimmed hats and camouflage outfits; I found myself some decent trekking boots, but Bob bought some running shoes – when I asked him why, he said ‘in case we got chased by a lion’, so I said ‘you’ll never outrun a lion,’ and he said, ’no, but I’ll outrun you!’ “

Bert started telling them about a card game he played with his grandson, “he wanted to play snap, and he took it very seriously –  two sixes, snap, two kings, snap, two aces, snap, – he was totally expressionless; I said he should learn his Grandma’s favourite game; he asked what it was and I said ‘Poker’, well, he walked over to her, pointed his finger, prodded her cheek and said ‘what’s your favourite game Gran?’ “

Colin’s moment had arrived, “I snapped my fingers to get a waiter’s attention, now I need surgery – say what you like about waiters, they bring a lot to the table – I said to the waitress ’can I ask you about the menu please?’, and she said. ‘mind your own business –  a waiter asked how I found my steak and I said ‘easy, it was next to the fries’ – I asked the waitress if she had a lobster tail and she said, ‘once upon a time there was a lobster called Larry…’ – the problem with my salad needs addressing –  I tried taking a photo of fog, but I mist – my wife wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey so I took a snap shot of her hair – this morning she woke up with a huge smile on her face, I love Sharpies – the wrong photo went to jail, it was framed – I don’t play poker in the jungle, they’re all a bunch of cheetahs – worst of all are the bluffalos…….”

Later that night, Landlord Len was looking through a box of old photos when he came across a beautiful snap of his dearly departed Maggie; as he climbed into bed, he placed it upon the empty pillow alongside his, “night night, Maggie”, he muttered, “I’ll see you in my dreams”; ‘that was always our special song, Len’, she whispered in his ear, ‘night night my love’.

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories, where this week’s given word is Snap

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I was on the wrong side of the river. I could see where I wanted to be, but I couldn’t see how to get there. There must have been a bridge somewhere, but which way was it?

I saw a chap walking his dog along the opposite bank.“Excuse me”, I called, “how do I get to the other side?”

“You are on the other side”, he said as he continued on his way.

Thanks for nothing, I thought.

I was beginning to feel really frustrated, angry even, but then a bridge appeared, so I soon got over it!

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Click a Froggie to visit the squares!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

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For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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Let’s start in Nepal

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…now to the River Nile in Egypt

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Next Rome

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Madeira…

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Venice…

Dubai…

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Norway…

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…then wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen!

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Here we are in South India

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…and now, Abu Dhabi

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The Victoria Falls

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The rest, I took in and around where I live!

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After all that walking, I thought you might enjoy 49 seconds of calm!

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I live alone in a little wooden shack deep in the middle of nowhere, free from the frenzied existence of townsfolk and at one with nature.

As a new morn arrives, I stand and gaze at what little surrounds me. Droplets of dew sparkle on blades of grass and dance upon quivering cobwebs.

There, a bird, perched on the branch of a tree. Hark. It tweets, and with a flap of its wings it flies away to who knows where. I don’t care, for if I could fly, I’d go nowhere.

In this place, what little I need and all I desire surrounds me. I covet the silence; no need to speak, for there’s no one to hear.

Just me, that’s all.

Just me.
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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

Image credit; Royce Fonseca @ Unsplash

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt