Keith's Ramblings

It was busy in The Baaamy Inn, as well as all the usual lot there was a bunch of noisy girls over in the corner; eventually they left only to be replaced by several rowdy lads, “reminds me of that odd question in last month’s pub quiz”, said Ted, “you remember, it went something like ‘you were in a bar with 30 people, 10 left, then 5 arrived, how many people were there in the bar then?’ and we all said 25 except for you, Brainy Brian, you said 26 and got it right, I still don’t understand it”; “think about the first few words of the question again”, said Bert, “then you might!”

Whenever Landlord Len plans his quiz he always adds a question like that one, he calls it his Baaamy Baffler; “I never got that one that went, erm, ‘there were 30 cows in a field and 28 chickens, how many didn’t?’ and the awswer was 10’ – I didn’t even understand the question”, said Ted , “here’s a clue”, said Arthur, “I ate chicken for supper last night!”.

“I was thinking the other day about when I was a kid and a townie friend of mine called Mary came to stay at the farm”, said Babs, “I took her for a walk and after a while she was looking a bit tired, so I came up with a plan and said we could take a shortcut by walking across a field instead of around it, well, she looked a bit worried and said ‘but there’s a flock of cows in it’, I said ‘herd of cows, Mary, herd of cows’ and she said ‘of course I’ve heard of cows, I just said, there’s a flock of them over there’ “.

Polly at the knitting circle was looking somewhat weary, “I saw the doctor last week and he came up with a plan for me to lose some weight, he said I was to eat sensibly for two days, skip a day, eat for two days, skip a day and carry on like that, well, the eating bit’s no problem but I’m worn out by all that skipping!”.

Colin had been planning his routine for a while, and at last his moment had arrived, “my plans are weak because they never work out – I didn’t plan on getting a brain transplant but then I changed my mind – planning meals ahead is food forethought – McDonald’s is planning on making a Shakespearen burger called McBeth – my plan for tomorrow is to get some new glasses, then I’ll see what happens – a ghost plans his day with a to-boo list – I’m planning on calling my son Driew, it’s only weird if you say it backwards – I took part in a maths quiz, against all odds,I was ses bronze – the art contest ended in a draw – when NASA organises an event they planet – I told nine puns and nobody laughed, so I told another one, no pun in ten did……”.

Len’s dearly departed Maggie used to come up with some really silly questions and answers for quiz night, like a fake noodle being called an impasta, a bear with no teeth, a gummy bear, a sleeping replile, a dinosnore; “I  could do with you help right now, Maggie”, he muttered, ‘ask them how they tell the difference between male and female ghosts’, she whispered, ‘boooooobs!’ – you should have seens Len’s face!

.

Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Plan

.

.

Nosy Rosy they call her, peering here, peeping there. If she thinks there’s something’s going on she needs to find out all about it. 

She was walking down a road when she heard some kids shouting, ‘six, six, six’. There was a hole in the fence so she couldn’t resist looking through it to see what all the excitement was about. She got poked in the eye and the kids started shouting, ‘seven, seven, seven’.

That’s not put her off though. The other day she took a peek through my window. Modesty prevents me from telling you what she saw!

.

Poke a Froggie to visit the squares!

Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © Dale Rogerson

,

.

For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

.

.

On Sunday we thanked Bexhill’s Emergency Services for the valuable work they do for us.

These took me back!

.

I was not expecting this lot to turn up!

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will appear in the comments below….

,

,

.

.

I used to do things two times a day. My clock did it so why shouldn’t I? Doing things more than once was fun, so good they named it twice! A drink at lunchtime, a drink in the evening. A smoke in the morning a smoke in the afternoon!

Once, two amazing things happened on the same day – I won the lottery and my ex wife said she wanted to marry me again, what a coincidence!

It was not as good as you might imagine. In no time at all I was doing as I was told, and never things I enjoyed more than once a day. One Time Wendy I called her.

On one occasion she even moaned when I used the same word twice in the same sentence; ‘enough is enough’, she said which was somewhat ironic!

She even changed my treasured analogue clock for a digital one. Now eight sixteen in the evening has become twenty sixteen, or something like that. How stupid!

Like I said, I used to do things twice a day – oh, sorry Wendy, I shouldn’t have said it again!

.

,

Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

.

.

.

Until then she’d never experienced a scintilla of good fortune. 

Infact she was skint ‘til a millionaire married her. 

Untii then he’d never suffered a scintilla of misfortune…

.

.

Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt

.

.

Here we are at The Baaamy Inn where Farmer Arthur is moaning about the price of fuel, “the other day I heard about a bloke who filled his tractor up and they wanted to charge him 175 pounds, well, he wasn’t happy so he drove off without paying; apparently he got caught and was only fined 100 pounds, that was quite a saving – which reminds me, my farmhand Flora arrived at work out of breath and sweating this morning, she said that instead of catching the bus she ran behind it and saved herself two pounds fifty, I said if she’d followed a taxi she’d have saved about twelve pounds fifty!”

“Talking of money”, said Ted, “I remember hearing about a guy called Clive who’s lucky number was five, he was born at five o’clock on the fifth day of the fifth month in 1955, well, on his 55th birthday he went to the races and noticed a horse called Pentagram was running in the fifth race at five pm with odds of fifty-five to one, so with five minutes to spare he charged over to Ivor Bett the bookie and placed five hundred and fifty-five pounds on it to win – he should have known better, Pentagram finished in fifth place!”

“One of my lads, charged into the barn yelling in pain”, said Babs, “he said he’d been stung by a wasp so I said ‘don’t worry. I’ll put some cream on it’, and he said ‘you’ll never find it, it’ll by miles way by now’, so I said ‘that’s not what I meant, where were you stung?’, and he said ‘in the yard’; well I was getting quite frustrated so I asked where on his body he was stung and he said ‘the wasp stung my finger’, so I asked which one and he said ‘how do I know, all wasps look the same to me’….I gave up!”

Knitwit Natalie was telling her fellow knitwits what happened when she was tidying the bedroom, “my hubby charged into the room pushed me onto the bed and dragged the cover over our heads, I though my luck at changed, it was about time after all, then he said ‘look at my new watch, it’s got a luminous dial!”

Colin’s moment had arrived, “Old McDonald had to sell his farm, e-i-e-i-owes a lot of money – the electric car finished the race early because it had a short circuit – a lion and a cheetah had a race, the lion said you are a cheetah and the cheetah said you are lion – two cats had a swimming race across the English channel, the English cat was called One-Two-Three, and the French cat, Un-Deux-Trois, the One-Two-Three cat won because the Un-Deux-Trois cat sank – the relay race was close, for a while it was touch and go – I removed my snail’s shell to help it win the snail race but it just became more sluggish – a bargain, dead batteries free of charge – you don’t wave a red flag in front of a battery incase it charges – I was charged nothing for my new new roof, it was on the house – the optician charged me a fortune, he saw me coming – pirates sell corn on the cob for a bucc-an-eer – a deer that costs a dollar is called a buck – an out of control robot was charged with battery…..!”

Landlord Len’s dearly departed Maggie was methodical when it came to clearing up after every session; Len tried his best to do as she did, but invariably forgot something or other: “I wish you were still in charge Maggie”, he muttered, ‘I still am’, she whispered in his ear, ‘now go and collect those glasses from the garden!’’

Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Charge

I’ve just got back from a walk along the beach. I took this photo at the far end as the tide was ebbing and thought I’d share it with you!

Click once or twice to take a closer look!

‘

For the sake of my tale, I’ve taken the liberty of moving the road in the picture from New Mexico to France – somewhere I’m more used to driving!

Why do they drive on the wrong side of the road? Everyone should keep left like us. It was stupid to bring our car. We’re on  holiday. I should feel relaxed.

Oh no, a roundabout. Keep right-right-right-woo! Bloody foreigner nearly hit us! Imbécile!  Yes, I know we’re the foreigners, but we’re their guests, they should treat us with respect!

Wait there chum, it’s my right of way. Oh, lordy-lordy it’s not – eeeek….!  Missed. Désolé monsieur.

He’s heading towards us in the wrong lane! Regarde où vous allez!  No, I’m wrong  – hold tight – phew! 

Next time we drive abroad I’m hiring a tank!

.

Prod a Froggie to visit the squares!

Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

.

For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various

.

.

Click pics to enlarge!

.

This my favourite part of the park, somewhere to just sit and chill surrounded by twisting blue walls, luscious flower beds and a duck pond!

.

We used to love sitting over there watching the boats go by, didn’t we? I remember one day we had a trivial conversation along the lines of ‘how’s work, how’s your mum, what did you have for lunch, you need a haircut…will you marry me?’ You should have seen your face. You had a fit of giggles and then said ‘no!’ Then you looked me in the eye and said ‘of course I’ll marry you’! We sat hand in hand and watched as the sun went down behind the old oak tree.

Then your sun set, too soon. Why? I blamed myself. I blamed your family, I blamed the doctors. I blamed God, how dare he? I was angry, so angry. But it was nobody’s fault. These things happen. To some. To you.

That was a long time ago, and here I am watching the boats go by just as we used to. The bench is still over there. It’s become weather-worn and wobbly, a bit like me. The oak tree’s still here. It doesn’t look a day older, unlike me!

There’s just one thing missing. You are missing. You.

Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

Image credit; Llia Bronskiy

.