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Baaamy farmer Arthur was sporting a new pair of specs, “every time I drank a cuppa’ tea, ate soup or watched a saucy scene on the telly the old ones would steam up, so I went into town and got myself these; which reminds me I was on a train once and looking at some pictures of my missus on me phone, the guy sitting next to me was peering over my shoulder so I said ‘that’s my wife, beautiful isn’t she?’, and he said, ‘you should see my wife’ – I asked if she was beautiful too and he said ‘no, she’s an optician’, I thought that was quite a good joke – at least I hoped it was!”
“I was thinking about Tom the other day”, said Babs, “the guy that drove those steam trains, he’d come in here with black smudges on his face stinking of smoke and order a pint of the ‘black stuff’, as he called it, I remember the time he came back from the toilet and said, ‘Guinness is wonderful, it goes down black as ink and comes out in a stream of gold!’ “.
Having overheard something about smoke, knitter Pippa was telling her fellow knitwits about the other night when her husband offered to make them something nice for their wedding anniversary supper, “I was a little nervous because last time he tried cooking he almost set the kitchen on fire, anyway, after he’d been gone a while I began smelling something that took me back; I went to the kitchen and I couldn’t see a thing – ‘’this salmon’s making a lot of steam’, he said, ‘it’s smoke’ I replied, then he said, ‘oh, erm, yes, erm, I was actually making us smoked salmon’ – we ended up getting some fish and chips delivered!”
As per usual, Ted had taken part in a round of golf earlier in the day – actually it was more of an almost-round, be never manages all eighteen holes, “my self-esteem went up a notch”, he said, “I managed to hit the ball off the tee with my second swipe, it usually takes me three of four goes, I even got a hole in one – unfortunately it wasn’t the hole on the green, it was the manhole some blokes were working on the other side of the fence, luckily they were wearing their hard hats at the time!”
“Guess who I bumped into when I went to get my glasses fixed?” asked Colin, “everybody – you should respect people who wear glasses, they paid to see you – I asked my dad if he’d seen my sunglasses, he said no and asked if I’d seen his dadglasses – I saw a steam train today, I was chuffed – I got run over by a steam roller, I should be offended but I’m actually flattened – behind every angry woman is a man who has no idea what he did wrong – if a woman pushes you down a manhole, sewer – my sock’s got a hole in it, it it hadn’t I couldn’t put it on my foot it – he’s such a bad cook he uses the fire alarm as a timer – the Asian cooking contest was a Thai – I cook spaghetti just to pasta time – the marble statue had low self esteem, it was taken for granite……!”
After everyone had left Landlord Len was making sure everything was spick and span before heading upstairs to bed and as he watched steam rising from a bowl of hot water, just for a moment he was with his dearly departed Maggie in spirit; their favourite song stared playing in the background – ‘steam a little steam of me’, Maggie whispered in his ear – “you’re mist”, he quipped, “missed too!”.
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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Steam
