Today I’m breaking my self-imposed 200 word limit promise and using an edited version of a 300 word piece I posted on my blog back in 2007.
When I was a baby I was confirmed into the church. I didn’t know what was going on of course. Apparently some old bloke wearing a frock and a dog collar tried to drown me, but I later discovered that this was normal practice. Three people known as Godparents promised to ‘provide me with the resources, opportunities and encouragement to follow Jesus’ whilst dripping molten wax all over me. Can’t remember who they were though.
When I went to big school I made several promises. I promised not to smoke, promised not to swear and promised to work hard. Mmmm! And I was even told that I actually had promise. Yea?
When I got my first girlfriend I promised not to go out with other girls. Fat chance! They usually promised to be faithful to me too and I stupidly believed them. Fool.
Then I got married. The ultimate promise. I’m pretty sure I promised to love honour and obey. By the way, Apaches promise to ‘look for what is right between us, not what is wrong’. And Eskimos promise to let their feet run and dance, presumably to avoid getting cold tootsies! At my friend’s wedding he said ‘I promise not to watch the next Netflix episode without you’! Anyway, I spouted out the wedding one several times but I’m not so sure it always included the obey bit. Come to think of it, the other bits proved a little difficult too.
Since then promises have come thick and fast. Ones I have made and ones I’ve received. Some have been kept, others have not.
Trouble is so many promises are worthless. I should know!
*The other day I saw a photo of a priest at a christening using a kid’s water pistol in order to stick to the social distancing rules!
Lucinda Longbottom was not the most lucid lecturer at Littlebutte Learning centre. Her love of alliteration meant her lessons lacked intelligibility: her meaningless meanderings left many muddleheaded and mystified.
She was dismissed.
Luckily she landed a likeable livelihood as a lexicographer in London.