keiths ramblings

Post 1954. Monday April 16

My Friend Rosey has regularly featured on my blog since I set it up twelve years ago. To read all about her in 200 or so words, click HERE

 

Rosey dragged me along to an art gallery. “You need a bit of culture,” she said.

She didn’t, however, anticipate viewing painting after painting of Rubenesque ladies with their kit off! She tutted and said it was unfair all the nude paintings depicted women. I jokingly pointed to a sign on the wall that said ‘Men’. She smiled and strutted off in the direction of the arrow.

“ Rosey” I called out, “stop….”  But it was too late. Seconds later she found herself standing before the door to the gentlemen’s toilets!

On her way back she spotted some tutorial books. One was about painting nudes! ‘Time to make a stand for women’ she thought. She purchased it.

I called round to hers last Sunday. She answered the door wearing a paint-splattered linen jacket, gripping an artist’s brush between her teeth and clutching a dripping paint-daubed palette.

“Come in”  she spitted. I wiped the splatters of duck egg blue from my cheeks and followed her.

Just inside her kitchen stood an easel supporting a large canvas on which were the beginnings of a painting of a nude Adonis. It was blocking the view, so I gingerly peered around it, nervous of what I might see. 

And there was her model, reposing on the work surface. A little Action Man doll, as naked as the day he popped out of his mould.

“Are you busy this afternoon by any chance?” she asked.

 

Tomorrow, O is for Overheard

Previous episodes – A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

On this day last year, we went on patrol with the Amble Bay Neighbourhood Watch. To come along again click HERE – don’t forget to bring a torch!

  .

Post 1653. Saturday April 14

 

Rosey’s mother disapproves of excessive alcohol consumption. She’s a one-sherry-a-day plus a glass of wine on Sunday kinda gal! Daddy, however, enjoys a tipple or two – you should see what’s hidden in his shed!

They were having some work done at their house, so for one night only they availed themselves of Rosey’s spare room.

Rosey didn’t relish the prospect of another lecture on temperance from Mummy so she came up with a plan. She bought three large bottles of water, partly emptied two of them and topped them up with generous measures of vodka. Invisible booze! She just needed to be careful when pouring to give herself and Daddy the alcoholically infused variety, and Mummy the undoctored one. It worked and everybody was happy!

During the night Mummy woke up feeling very thirsty, so she crept to the kitchen to get a glass of water.  Yes, you’ve guessed, Mummy unknowingly poured herself some of Roseys special water. She quite liked it so she had some more, then some more!

At three in the morning, Rosey was woken from her slumbers by the sound of singing and went to investigate. Imagine her horror when she found Mummy on the balcony in her nightdress serenading a couple of seagulls whilst being watched by several irate neighbours!

Rosey got great pleasure from telling us about it. For once, she was the sensible one in a hilarious situation rather than the other way around!

 

Monday, N is for Naked! (no, not Rosey!)

Previous episodes – A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

On this day last year, we all went to the May Fayre in Amble Bay. To revisit click HERE

Post 1652. Friday the 13th –  unlucky for some!

 

Rosey asked four of us to hers for lunch. We each contributed something. I made some pâté, Richard a spotted dick, Kline and Denise brought wine and cheese. Rosey was in charge of the main course.

“What’s cooking Rosey?” I asked.“It  smells good”

“A French concoction, ‘banky ranky boofy’ or something,” she said. “Hector gave me the recipe and a pot of his special ingredient. I’ve got to add just one teaspoonful  immediately before serving”

Hector teaches science and loves playing science-based practical jokes. That should have set my alarm bells ringing.

After we’d eaten my pâté, which was delicious by the way, Rosey went to the kitchen to get her creation.

Suddenly there was an enormous bang! She returned with most of the ‘boofy roofy stuffy’ adorning her apron.

“You did just use a teaspoon of the secret ingredient didn’t you?” I asked.

“Yes, of course,” said Rosey holding up a tablespoon.

Fortunately, she saw the funny side of it and started giggling. In no time we were all in hysterics.

I went to the battle-scarred kitchen to get some wine and spotted the recipe. It was headed  ‘Bombe Ragoût de Bœuf’. Even my schoolboy French told me it meant stewed beef bomb!

“Dobbiamo ordinare una pizza?” I asked the others in my best Italian.

“Yessa pleasa signora” said Rosey.

 

Tomorrow, M is for Mummy

Previous episodes – A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

On this day last year, we fed the ducks on Amble Bay’s lake. To revisit click HERE. Don’t forget to bring some bread.

Post 1651. Thursday April 12

 

Hi, it’s me, Rosey! I’m at Keith’s place! I came for a drink last night and ended up having several. He wouldn’t let me drive home and insisted I spend the night on his guest bed. He’s still in the land of nod. Listen, you can hear him snoring!

I’ve just had a lovely long shower, I stayed in until the hot water ran out. Then I found two croissants in the kitchen, and there were just enough coffee granules to make myself a cup.  I thought I’d repay his generosity by writing today’s post for him. He’ll be thrilled! 

You didn’t want to hear about my karaoke night anyway, did you? He’d only say I screech and yell which I don’t. He doesn’t appreciate the way I convey the emotion of the composition using my well-honed and sophisticated vocal techniques. 

We really are great mates despite him getting on a bit. A friendship without complications is special indeed. He doesn’t judge me. OK, he laughs at me, but not in a nasty way. He puts up with my silly mistakes and always makes excuses for me. He is a friend in the truest sense of the word. He’s… he’s….now I’m getting all tearful. Get your act together Rosey you soppy twerp!

Now, let’s see, how do I post this on his blog? Press that, copy and paste this, clickety-clackety-click and…..bingo!

I hear movement. Here he comes, he’ll be so pleased!

…KEEFIE, LOOK WHAT I’VE DONE!

 

 

Apparently, tomorrow L is for Lunch

Previous episodes – A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

This time last year Keefie told you about the Karaoke night in Amble Bay. Why didn’t he invite me? Anyway, you can click HERE to read it again, provided I can work out how to do it.

Post 1650 . Wednesday April 11

My Friend Rosey has regularly featured on my blog since I set it up twelve years ago. To read all about her in 200 or so words, click HERE

 

 

Rosey recently took up knitting. So far she’s made a twelve-foot scarf, a sock and a beanie hat – it was meant to be a tea cosy but she forgot to leave a hole for the spout! The other day she wandered into the pub wearing her latest creation, a woolly pink jumper.

An interesting garment; one sleeve longer than the other, and a little lopsided with bits of wool dangling from it. ‘It really suits you’ we politely said.

Later, Rosey felt the need to visit the ladies facility. Unfortunately, as she stood to leave a strand of wool became trapped in the chair. Had we noticed we’d have stopped her for as she set off, the jumper started unraveling!

The pub was packed and Rosey had to weave in and out of tables and chairs and people at the bar. After doing what ladies do, she commenced her journey back, this time weaving between different folk and different tables. And all the time the jumper was getting shorter and Rosey had absolutely no idea!

By the time she got back, there were only about six inches of the jumper left and everyone in the pub was trapped in a giant pink spider’s web! The sight of them twisting and turning to disentangle themselves is something I’ll never forget.

Fortunately, Rosey saw the funny side of it and admitted she didn’t like it anyway. She’s promised to make me a glove.

 

Tomorrow K is for Karaoke

 

Previous episodes – A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 
On this day last year, I attempted to take you on a journey to Bustleton, without success! To revisit click HERE

Post 1649. Tuesday April 10

My Friend Rosey has featured on my blog since I set it up twelve years ago. To read all about her in 200 or so words, click HERE

 

Posh Paula invited me to attend a soirée she was hosting to show off her fancy new apartment. Wear formal dress she said, and bring Rosey. I told Rosey I’d meet her at Paula’s pad at about eight.

At eight-twenty, I was sipping a flute of Bollinger Premier Cruz ‘97 whilst attempting to appear interested in a boring conversation with an equally boring person. Happily, I was saved by the bell when the door-chime suddenly played a merry tune. Thank goodness she’s here I thought, I was beginning to worry Rosey had forgotten!

Paula tottered doorward in her eight-inch-high Jimmy Choos to greet her final guest, not expecting to be confronted by a creature from a horror movie. She let out a blood-curdling scream, passed out and fell to her luxurious hand-woven carpeted.

Unfortunately, Rosey had misunderstood my instructions regarding her attire. I said ‘dress in something fancy’. She thought I’d said ‘wear fancy dress’.

Due to the restricted vision afforded by her costume, Rosey was unaware of the obstacle spread out at her feet.  She tripped over Paula, then stumbled into Father Frederick who was busily extolling the virtues of his communion wine over those of the ridiculously expensive Chateauneuf du Pape he was downing. He went red in the face, literally!

After being fanned for a while, Paula regained consciousness and composure and carried on as if nothing had happened, as did Father Frederick after rinsing his face and Rosey after removing her grotesque headpiece.

Tomorrow J is for  Jumper.

Previous episodes – A B C D E F G H I J K L.M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Today, one year ago, I introduced you to Iris who grows lovely flowers! To revisit click Here.

 

Post 1648. Monday April 9

 

I saw Rosey in the hardware shop looking at buckets.

“What are you after?” I asked.

“Well” she said, “there’s a hole in my bucket ….”

“…. dear Liza, dear Liza” I sang out. It was greeted with a blank stare

“As I was saying, the canopy over my balcony leaks and I use my bucket to catch drips. Yesterday when it rained the bucket was empty and the floor was wet. That’s how I know there’s a hole in my …. “

“…. bucket, dear Liza, dear….”

“Shut up” she shouted “This is serious”

“Sorry,” I said.

“I also want a bucket to put my list in”

“What list?”

“My bucket list”.

I pointed out that you don’t actually keep it in a bucket, it’s only called a bucket list because…. because…. then I realised I didn’t actually know!

“What’s going on your list?” I asked

“One. Learn golf”

“So you can get a hole in one?”

“As I was saying, two, go into space”

“Careful you don’t fall down I black hole!” I quipped.

At last, she began to laugh!

I’ve got a hole joke!” she said.

“Better than half a joke” I chuckled. She ignored me and continued.

“A man walked past a hole in a wall and heard a voice coming from it. It said, ‘six six six’.  The man peeped in and a fist popped out and bopped him on the nose. ‘Seven seven seven’ said the voice! Do you get it?”

“Yes” I groaned

“I don’t,” said Rosey.

 

Tomorrow, I is for Invite

Previous episodes – A B C D E F G H I J K L.M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

On day 8 last year I told you about Amble Bay’s village hall. To revisit click HERE

Post 1647. Saturday April 7

 

I’ll never forget that day. My mobile rang. Rosey. I held the phone away from my ear; she always shouts! Only this time she didn’t. I moved it closer and heard sobbing, gentle sobbing.

“Rosey,” I said, “what’s up?”

After a long silence, she whispered “I’m at Grannies beach hut”

“Stay there,” I said. “I’m coming over”.

When I arrived the hut’s door was open, but there was no sign of Rosey. Then I saw her, sitting down at the water’s edge. I walked down.

She stood, turned, then leaped forward flinging her arms around me.

“Grannies gone” she whimpered. “Gone”.

“Gone where?” I asked. Rosey stepped back and stared at me with tear-filled eyes, and I realised I’d asked a foolish question. Grannie had passed away.  Her expression changed to one of anger.

“Why?” she yelled. “I saw her yesterday. Why didn’t she tell me? We promised. No secrets, ever” She kicked me in the shin, then trudged back up the beach, shoulders stooped, head bowed.

*

Rosey and Grannie were very close. They’d often meet at the beach hut for a chat about things she couldn’t possibly discuss with her parents!  Jan, or Grannie Jannie as Rosey called her, sometimes joined us all at the pub for a pint of Guinness and would tell us funny things Rosey said as a child. Like when Rosey farted and said it was her poo talking! And when Grannie said, ‘I love you Rosey’ and she said ‘I love me too’. That sort of thing.

*

I left Rosey alone for a few moments before joining her. She suddenly turned and smiled. “It’s the horse races tomorrow,” she said.

“Are you sure you want to go?” I asked.

“Yes” she said “Grannie gave me a fiver to put on a horse. It’s called Fond Farewell!”

“There’s no horse called Fond Farewell” I said. Her expression changed, and the tears returned.

“That was her way of telling me, wasn’t it?”

 

 

I apologise for breaking my Golden 200 Word Rule! It won’t happen again!

Fear not, Monday the humour will return! H is for Hole

 

Previous episodes – A B C D E F G H I J K L.M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

On this day last year, I took you for a walk on the village green in Amble Bay. To revisit click HERE

 

Post 1646. Friday April 6

My Friend Rosey has been a feature of my blog since I set it up twelve years ago. To read all about her in 200 or so words, click HERE

 

Rosey loves growing flowers and still has a corner of her parent’s garden she calls her own. Their village holds an annual produce show and since childhood, Rosey has entered the competition for the best floral exhibit.

I dropped by last time and immediately spotted Rosey, resplendent in a baggy flower print dress, patterned rubber boots and a straw hat encircled by wildflowers. She couldn’t wait to show me her entry, and I must say I was very impressed.

Rosey noticed a display of huge arum lilies and couldn’t resist sniffing one up close. As you may be aware lilies are notorious for staining anything that comes in contact with their pollen, so for the rest of the afternoon, her nose resembled a carrot! Someone even joked she should enter it in the vegetable section!

Just when I thought Rosey had got through the day without incident, she bumped into the chrysanthemums bench. Well, one vase toppled, and her attempts to catch it caused a domino effect. There was a stunned silence until Rosey started giggling and in no time at all everyone joined in! She didn’t win a prize, but her sweet peas got ‘highly commended’.

Rosey is thinking of getting an allotment, a little piece of land with a wooden shed and a bird table. I hope she does. She’s clearly quite green fingered, and very orange nosed!

 

Tomorrow G is for Grannie

Previous episodes – A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

On this day last year, I took you for a drink at Amble Bays’ pub, The Fish Inn. To revisit click HERE

 

Post 1644. Thursday April 5

My Friend Rosey has been a feature of my blog since I set it up twelve years ago. To read all about her in 200 or so words, click HERE

 

Rosey adores kids. Let’s face it, she’s still one herself at heart, so when she heard a local junior school needed a teacher’s assistant she just had to apply. Fortunately, Mummy was one of the school governors and able to pull strings!

She got the job. Her main tasks are to assist teacher Mrs. Brown, to aid the kids, and help maintain order. Problem is, she sometimes forgets she’s there to work and reverts to a child herself!  She prefers sitting on the mat with the youngsters to perching on a chair, and loves flicking paint at the children and pulling funny faces when Mrs. Browns’ back is turned! The other day she even raised her hand when she wanted to go to the toilet.

Staff members don’t normally take part in the schools’ annual nativity play, but last year the mini-thespians of year three threatened strike action if Miss Rosey didn’t go on stage with them. The headteacher relented and Rosey got the non-speaking role of third palm tree from the right!

Rosey rarely visits the staff room, preferring to spend every break in the playground skipping and chasing around. Needless to say, she’s the most popular kid in school!

 

Tomorrow F is for Flowers

Previous episodes – A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

On this day last year, I told you about Easter in Amble Bay. To revisit click HERE