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It was another evening at The Baaamy Inn, and Suzie at the next table was wafting her hand around in the hope someone would notice the diamond ring she was wearing, nobody did so she jumped to her feet and announced that she was engaged to be married; “who is he, and why’s he not here?” asked Babs, ”well”, said Suzie, ”his name is Brucie and we have agreed that once a week we’ll go our own ways, me here and him to the golf course, he’s a great golfer and runs rings around the other players”  – “what does he play off?” asked Arthur, “grass I assume”, said Suzie”.

“I remember when I tried getting engaged for the third time a couple of years ago”, said Ted, “I didn’t splash out on an expensive ring in case she said no, so I used the ring-pull thing off the top of a beer can as a temporary measure; I got down on one knee, asked the question and she said ‘no’ then walked off leaving me down there, she didn’t even help me to get up – it took me ages, you know what my knees are like”… Suzie jumped to her feet again and stated singing, “these knees are made for walking, and that’s what they won’t do…..”

That reminded George about the karaoke session they once had when one of the ladies from the knitting circle sang Ring of Fire, Len was lighting a candle next to Maggie’s photo at the end of the bar at the time, she loved karioke nights, and he became distracted and somehow ignited a pile of paper napkins setting  off the fire alarm, “it was more in tune with the backing track than she was”, George said – you shold have seen the look knitter Natilie gave him!

Arthur was late arriving, “I used the ring road rather than driving through town” he said, but ended up in a traffic jam; which reminds me, I was driving along there other day and saw an accident happen on the opposite carriagway, I know it’s normally illegal but I thought I aught to call the cops on my mobile phone, anyway, seconds later I saw blue flashing lights in my mirror and heard that barp-barp-barp noise cop cars make, I pulled over and congratulated them on reacting so quickly – well, the cop looked at me and said I’m charging you with using a mobile telephonic device while in control of an automobile – so much for doing the decent thing!”

Colin’s big moment had arrived, “my girlfriend wanted a ring so I said she should take her phone off silent –  she saId nothing would make her happier than a diamond ring, so I gave her nothing – I was engaged 5 times, but never made it to the altar, that’s a lot of near Mrs – a bee that gets engaged is called Beyoncé – there are 3 rings in a relationship, engagement ring, wedding ring and suffer ring – a hippies’ wife is called Mississippi – I got a new iPhone for my ex wife, that wasn’t a bad trade – she still misses me but her aim is getting better – a smartphone went to jail charged with battery – mobiles in prison are called cell phones – I dropped my phone from the twentieth floor, good job it was in aeroplane mode – how do you get a farm girl to marry you? first a tractor – never marry a tennis player, love means nothing to them…….” 

It was long gone closing time and Len was sitting upstairs in his armchair, he glanced at the velvet pouch on the mantlepiece that contained Maggie’s engagement and wedding rings ; “I hope Suzie will be as happy as we were” he said – ‘are’, Maggie whispered in his ear, ‘we are’.

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Ring

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She wandered along the beach, pebbles crunching beneath her feet. ‘Reach for the sky and cast aside the clouds’, a voice whispered in her ear.  Flowers amid the rocks gazed skyward, waves cast a thousand sparkling crystals into the air. Her heart was filled with blissful hope.

‘Reach high, reach far, and you shall touch paradise’, said the voice.  She stretched her arm higher and higher, hand held open in eager anticipation. The suns’ warm rays kissed her palm. 

Then she tripped on a rock, fell and broke her leg. ‘I’ll call the air ambulance’, the voice sighed.

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Grab Froggie to visit the squares!

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © Sandra Crook

For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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A few weeks ago I took you around the country and showed you some of the beautiful houses I’ve visited. Today I thought I’d take you inside a few of them.

The picture quality in some is not brilliant, partly because flash photography  is often not permitted. However, I hope what you are about to see gives you an impression of what I saw!

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Let’s start at Petworth House

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Now to Sudbury Hall

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Welcome to Nostell House

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Now to Kingston Lacey

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Here are a few odds and ends from other houses.

Winston Churchill’s art studio at Chartwell

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The cellar at Montisfort

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Rudyard Kipling’s study at Batemans

The locked library at Sissinghurst

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Finally, another library. This one’s in Wells Cathedral

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My friend Rosey hates it when ‘common people’ refer to a cup of tea as a ‘cuppa rosey lee’. She says they are taking her name in vain.  When I pointed out that ‘rosey lee’ is Cockney rhyming slang for tea and therefore perfectly acceptable, she just shrugged!

When I was making her a ‘cuppa rosey lee’ the other afternoon, I asked what cup size she has, meaning does she usually have it it in a large cup or one of those fancy little  bone china ones. You should have seen the look she gave me! I made a right boob of myself, it must be catching.

She once referred to crossing the road as cupping. When I asked why, she grinned and said ‘because I runneth over!’ 

That reminds me, she needed a new broom handle the other day. (how she broke the old one, I decided not to ask) She went to the hardware shop in town and bought a white one. It was a sunny day so she was wearing her sunglasses. On her way home, every time she went to cup – sorry, cross the road, the traffic stopped for her. Someone even offered to help her across to the other side. It took her a while to realise why!

Bless her! 

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Image credit; Jon Tyson @ Unsplash

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

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A tale for The Sunday Whirl where this week’s given words are –

greed tragedy despair presence walk calm strings earth all spirit vibrating heart

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When I saw this week’s prompt words I thought it would be fun to write a miserable story for a change! One of utter despair. Lets have a go…

Why on earth did she walk away? Was it greed that changed his once calm heart into a vibrating cardiovascular contraption? All that remained of his spirit was a half empty bottle of whisky, ‘twas like a violin with broken strings…

Mmmm, it’s not going too well. Maybe I should have a go at a cross between comedy and tragedy, I’d call it dromedy and write a story about a camel. Here goes…

Humphrey was born without humps (amusing bit). One day he ate his friend (sad bit) because he was a camibal (amusing bite, sorry, bit). The others feared being in his presence but often failed to see him approaching because (dramatic bit) he was so well camelflaged! (silly bit)…. 

Oh, I give up. 

By the way, what do you call a chicken that writes stories? Eggatha Christie – normal  service has been resumed!

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I’ve invented a keyboard that translates. Press the appropriate key, L14-Papiamentio, L6-Mongolian, L9-Chinese whatever, type the words in your native lingo and like magic … magia, Ид шид,  魔法 … they convert!

I typed in some swear words and asked for them in L21-Swahuli. It popped up as osha mdomo wako kwa sabuni.  Seems it means wash your mouth out with soap!

 

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt

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Ted entered The Baamy Inn with a new addition to the fold, the lady who’s recently purchased the vineyard on the hillside; “hello, I’m Winnie”, she said, “I’ve taken over from cummudgenly Claud, you remember him, when tending the vines he did nothing but whine – by the way Reverend, how come you are a member of the group?”, “well”, said Dick the Vic, “Arthur has  a flock of sheep, I have a flock of churchgoers!”

“Talking of my fold, last Sunday a child started to feel ill during the service so his grandmother told him to go outside and find a bush to throw up in, when he came back she asked if he’d found a bush and he said he didn’t need to because there was a box by the door that said ‘for the sick’ ”

“My boy’s taken up that hobby where you fold bits of paper”, said George,  “salami, no, macrame, no, origami – yes that’s it, he makes the most amazing paper aeroplanes, unfortunately one hit me in the eye the other day, when I complained he said I should have seen in coming. it was in plane sight!”; Natilie at the knitting circle who’d been eavesdropping said, “Meg told me she’s going to start selling macrame bras, knickers, vests and socks to keep people cool if there’s another heatwave, I said ‘I don’t know about about cool, but they’ll definitely be highly strung’ ”

“I tried going to the shop that sells paper but it’s folded”, said Arthur, ”so I thought perhaps the supermarket sold it, the one where your daughter works Colin; well I could find any so I asked your gal if they did, and if so where it was; she said ‘we sell it by the ream, it’s ‘tween the beans and the cream – only yolking, it’s opposite the eggs in a pile in the next aisle’!”

That was just the intro that quipper Colin needed, “paper airplanes that can’t fly are stationary – origami belts are a waist of paper – an old lady that likes origami is an origrani – folding cookies is called Oreo-gami –  the popularity of origami has increased ten fold – I gave up origami, I was fed up with all the paperwork – I don’t know why I bought a blindfold, I can’t see myself wearing it – the nun became addicted to knitting because the needles were habit forming – a priest that becomes a lawyer is a father-in-law – origami is the art of the fold, grandpa passing wind is the fart of the old…..” –”OY”, shouted Landlord Len, ”I don’t allow crude jokes in my pub!” 

After everyone had gone, Len started clearing up, as he folded a tea towel he remembered how Maggie used to complain about the way he folded his shirts and trousers, so he thought he’d be extra careful – corners to corners, left to right, smooth it down – “how’s that Maggie?”, he asked, “just fine”, she whispered.

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Fold.

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…a converation we had whilst sitting beside the pool – that’s my excuse for taking liberties with the picture prompt and swapping the pool for a beach!

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I told my friend Rosey there was an article in the newspaper about a chap that tried swimming from England to France. Two-thirds of the way he became very tired, so he turned back!

She said  that was daft, he should have kept going. 

I said I was joking, and she said I shouldn’t joke about something Iike that, he could have drowned..

I said, it didn’t actually happen, so she asked me why it was in the paper!

There is only way to get her to change direction.

Me. Another drink?

Rosey. A large Chardonnay please.

Subject closed. Works every time!

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Tap Froggie on the goggles to visit the squares!

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Those of you that have been in our blooging circle for many years may remember that I used to write lots of stories about My Friend Rosey, well over a hundred infact! I even self published a book that went down quite well. It’s out of print now though.

I moved about forty of my favourite yarns to a site of its own – it’s HERE if you’re interested!

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PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

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Thanks once again to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

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For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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Click pics once or twice to get a closer look and improve the quality!

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Declan wants to be a detective when he grows up so on his eighth birthday Mummy and Daddy gave him a ginormous magnifying glass. He couldn’t wait to go into the garden to investigate things.

He dropped to his kees and watched an an ant scurrying along the footpath. ‘Interesting’’, he said as he pinched his chin the way detectives do on television.

He  spotted a whopping great spider’s web. “Let’s have a closer look”, he said to himself. There was a spider in the middle, a big brown hairy one. Suddenly there was a puff of wind and the web started to whirl around with the spider hanging on for dear life. Declan jumped backwards and landed on his bottom!  “Clumsy me”, he muttered, “now I know why spiders have so many legs, it’s so they have lots and lots of toes to cling on with!” 

Then he saw a bee on a buttercup. ‘Detectives are brave’, he though, ‘we are not afraid of bees’. He got as close as he dared, and took a look at it. The bee turned around and looked Declan straight in the eye! Declan’s eye must have looked huge behind the magnifying glass. I don’t know who was more afraid, the bee or Declan!

It was nearly teatime and Mummy shouted for him to come indoors and wash his hands.

“Wow”, he said as he peered through his magnifying glass, “these baked beans are enormous!”

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Image Credit; Doncoombez @ Unsplash

Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?

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