Keith's Ramblings

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Ted is known to be somewhat accident prone, to tip over a pint of beer is nothing unusual for him so when he did it again in The Baaamy Inn last night we were not that surprised, unfortunately for him it landed in his lap soaking his nether regions and leaving a pool on the floor; bartender Brenda rushed to the scene with a mop and bucket, looked the puddle, pointed to Ted’s trousers and said “are you sure this is beer?”

Ted had been sitting with an empty glass for some time, modesty prevented him from walking across a busy bar to get a refil whilst displaying a damp parch, so he was quite pleased when Babs offered to buy a round, “Im feeling quite well off”, she said, “I was in the surgery having my pussy checked over and I asked about a picture of a racehorse on the wall, and the vet told me he looks after several gee-gees and he can often tell a winning horse just by looking at it’s muscular something-or-other, he even gave me a tip for a race, so I placed a bet and it won!” 

Over at the knitting circle Polly was telling them about Chun from the Chinese takeway, “I admired her beautiful jumper and she said she’d knitted it, I told that I like to knit and she gave me a tip, try knitting with chopsticks, well, when I got home I thought I’d have a go at eating my noodles with knitting needles to see if there was any similarity, and there was, I got in the exactly same mess as I do eating them with chopsticks!”

Arthur surprised his fellow farmers by telling them he’d been to  watch a ballet, “I was walking past the duck pond when I remembered that Swan Lake was on at the theatre in town so I thought I take my missus along ‘cos she likes all that stuff, I must admit I quite enjoyed it though I didn’t understand why they all danced on tip toes, surely they could find taller dancers, and as for those tight costumes the men wear, no wonder there’s a ballet called The Nutcracker” – “OY!”, yelled Landlord Len, “the only nuts we discuss here are my delicious peanuts on sale over here for just ninety nine pee a packet!”

“Ballet dancers dance on tip toes so they don’t wake up the audience”, said Colin, who’d been quietly listening in, “my friend told me to put money on a horse called Landfill, turned out to be a rubbish tip – tipping cab drivers isn’t fare – someone tipped some milk on me, how dairy – a truck carrying snooker equipment tipped over, there where cues for miles – another truck overturned spilling thousands of thesauruses all over the road, witnesses were aghast, astonished, bewildered, confounded, confused, dazed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, numbed, paralyzed, rattled, shocked, startled, stunned, stupefied, and surprised…..”!

After everyone had left Len tipped the contents of the tip jar onto the counter, it had been a busy night in the kitchen and he was  delighted by the generosity of his patrons, as he began dividing the proceeds among the staff one coin stood out; he picked it up and looked at the late Queen’s head in its centre and as he did so it began to shimmer and suddenly Maggie’s head appeared in its place; it turned towards him and winked before shimmering away again, “you always did keep an eye on the cash, Maggie!”, he said.

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Thanks to Denise aka GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Tip