I love it here. So tranquil. Swaying branches, pale green leaves reaching for wispy white clouds floating ‘cross a sky of springtide blue. Blimey, listen to me getting poetical! It’s not even spring!
See the heart carved in that tree trunk? I did that when I was fourteen. The K in it is for me of course, and the S is for – don’t laugh – Celine! How was I to know Celine started with a C? When she saw it she accused me of having it off with her friend Sally.
My next girlfriend was Sarah, so it came in quite useful!
I love hot spicy food even though it makes me itch, but when a friend challenged me to join him last night at a curry restaurant famous for setting people on fire (not literally of course!) I accepted.
The dish looked scrummy and smelled amazing; the steam was so spicy it made my eyes water and my ears itch but undaunted I shovelled the first load into my mouth.
“ **** ”, I yelled, louder than intended and a restaurant full of red sweaty faces turned in my direction, then after croaking an apology, having a scratch and a gulp of water, I was off again.
Itching from head to nether regions I battled on, one hand eating, the other scratching and that’s when it started; hic, burp, itch, hic, burp, parp, scratch, burp and as I couldn’t stop I admitted defeat.
Last night I kept leaping from my sweat soaked bed to have a scratch, nip to the loo or both at once, and I still haven’t recovered.
Oh no, here we go again, I must dash to the bathroom… quick… quick… quick...too late!
A roar goes up from the crowd as he receives the entrepreneur of the year award at the prestigious Business Ball 25. The jazz band strikes up as he holds his trophy aloft.
Look at him wandering around the ballroom shaking hands, kissing ladies on the cheek. Little do they know that it was he that conned them out of millions. They recovered, more didn’t having fallen victim to his evil ways.
It has to end. He needs to be eradicated. Tonight. But by whom? It needs to the person least likey to carry out such a deed.
Through a filmy curtain at a corner of the room she appears. A mysterious woman with glossy black hair, draped in a claret velvet gown. She strolls this way and that, then gently touches a lady on her shoulder. In that moment, the chosen one knew what was needed of her.
The woman in the claret gown leaves the room and walks from the castle. It was as if she was never there. Forgotten by the crowd, stripped from their memories.
He’ll be murdered tonight by the chosen one. Even she will have no recollection of the task she carried out. Quite who that is will remain a secret, never to be revealed.
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I used all but one word and changed the tense of a couple – for your own sake I suggest you forgive me. By the way, any similarity to a certain television show is purely coincidental!
Farmer Ted seemed to be having difficulty drinking his beer, almost as much poured out of his mouth as went in: “I went to to the dentist to have a filling and my gob’s still numb”, he mumbled, “he asked me if I smoke or drink coffee, and I said I drink it of course, what a stupid question”; “I hope you weren’t rude to him” said Colin, “dentists have fillings too – speaking of stupid questions, I rang the surgery to make an appointment and the receptionist said ‘there’s a slot free this afternooon, tooth hurty?’, and I said of course, that’s why I’m ringing!”
Arthur suffers from dentophobia, or dentistnobia as he calls it, and was keen to change the subject; “I rang the hotel in my lad’s town up north the other day, because we fancied visiting him and his family, the receptionist said the hotel was full so I said ‘I bet you’d find a room if Madonna wanted to stay’, and she said ‘probably’, so I said ‘well, she can’t come so we’ll have her room! – and no, that didn’t really happen, I just wanted to play Colin at his own game!”
Polly over at the knitting circle was telling her fellow knitwits about a sudden urge she had the other day; “I thought I’d try to make a pie, I don’t know why, I just did but I couldn’t decide what to fill it with, meat or sweet, anyway I decided upon a lemon meringue pie, a crusty pastry base and a lemony filling topped with a cloud of fluffy meringue” – “the stuff Australians use to make boomerangs”, quipped Natilie!
Having had his fill of others people’s puntifications, joker Colin decided to show them how it’s really done – “my dentist removed the wrong tooth, it was accidental – he’s the worst dentist in the world and has a little plaque to prove it – the pie went to the dentist because it needed a filling – the pie crossed the road because it was meetin’ potato – I cook spaghetti to pasta time – a guy fell in a hole filled with water, he couldn’t see that well – he felt ill whenever he got in his car, he had carowner virus – Poland is full of poles, Holland is full of holes – which city is filled with rodents? Hamsterdam – how many ants does it tale to fill an apartment block? ten ants – my wife’s so bad at cooking she uses the smoke alarm as a timer – I’m scared of French chefs, they give me the crepes ……”
Meanwhile, Ted was still struggling with his pint, his tankard was almost empty much of its contents having ended up in his lap making it look as if he’d pee’d his pants – walking home through the town could prove very embarrasing – anyway, Arthur offered to go and get him a refill, but this time with a straw to make drinking it a little easier.
He walked to the bar where Landlord Len was filling in answers to a crossword puzzle between serving customers … clue, gone, answer – missing … clue, song by Rod Stewart something May, answer – Maggie … clue, extra, answer – more ... clue, every, answer – each … clue,opposite to night, answer – day.
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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Fill.
I saw an angel on the church roof yesterday – don’t laugh, Idid!
I was out running – now what?I run because it’s good for my knees and if you keep interupting I’ll bend you over one and give you a spanking! That’s better, thank you.
As I was saying, this girl, no, this angel was smiling, and – what do you mean ‘how do you know she was an angel?’Cos she had a label on her back saying ‘made in heaven’ –duh!Of course she was a bloody angel.
I waved to her – what? Yes, I‘d stopped at the pub.
I went for a walk in the countryside this morning. The sun smiled at me. Trees bowed as I passed and birds tweeted twello.
I went for a walk around the town this afternoon. I waved at a flag and it waved back. A mannequin in a shop window raised his hat. How polite I thought.
I went for a walk around the block this evening. I slid on a slug and my shoe flew off. I asked a passing gust of wind to catch it, but it said ‘blow that’ and kept going. My shadow offered to get it for me but he slithered down a storm drain.
Do you think I’ll be able to replace him on Black Friday?
Keith's Ramblings 