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Landlord Len likes nothing more than putting on a function, and last Sunday he hosted his favourite, The Great Baaamy Bake Off when folk bring their creations along to the marquee in the pub garden, from pavlovas to bread rolls; as usual, last to arrive was Bella, or Bella la’Ball as she calls herself, she likes to make a grand entrance and she swept into the tent carrying her bakes whilst wearing the skimpiest of dresses imaginable, “her buns looked magnificent!”, said Ted – “her food was quite nice too”, said Bert!
There are regular functions ar the village hall too, and over at the knitting circle Natalie was talking about her recent success at the annual dog show, “my dog Waverley won the Fastest Tail Wagging Contest again”, she said, “you should have seen it go, but one dog wagged so slowly and gracefully it actually hypnotised one of the judges; anyway, during the heatwave I thought about making a fan that I could attatch to Waverley’s tail to keep me cool, it could even be a business opportunity – I could make some and flog them to pet shops!”
“I’m not sure it’s true”, said Babs, “but someone told me about a dog that talked, it told people about how it rescued people from mountains and led lost people through forests, well, its owner decided to sell it and when asked why, he said ‘because it was a liar and never did anything like that’.
Colin cleared his throat, “ahem” he went, then he was off – “no-one turned up at the Indian food festival, it was a naan event – sausage festivals are the wurst – my dog’s clever, I asked what’s two minus two, and it said nothing – I went to an Ugliest Dog Contest and came first, my dog came third – a cat won the dog show, cat-has-trophy – I bought a dog from a blacksmith, when we got home he made a bolt for the door – my dog used to chase people on a bike a lot, eventually I took it’s bike away – I won a weather forcasting competition, I beat the raining champion – the art contest ended in a draw – I can’t function without my glasses, especially when they are empty – if you were 8 when Red Red Wine was released, UB40 now – I thought drinking wine would improve my French but it was all in vin – wine in a box is Cardboardeaux – my wife hates it when I mess with her wine, just now I put some lemonade and fruit in it and now she’s sangria than ever…..”
Len has just had a new Guinness tap installed, but it’s refusing to function correctly, when he tries to pour a pint it gushes out, splashing and soaking his sleeves; it reminded Arthur about the time Len laid on a function to celebrate 25 years of marriage to his now dearly departed Maggie, “he was dressed in his finest bib and tucker, a smart suit and a bow tie and when he tried to open a bottle of wine he suffered a corkscrew malfunction and ended up with red wine all down his pristine white shirt!”.
Everybody had left, and having overheard the conversation Len was thinking back to that very occasion, “it was such a shame, Maggie”, he muttered, “I’ve never got over it” – ‘it was‘, she whispered in his ear, ‘such a waste of wine!’.
Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where the given word is Function.
Lovely ending.
Thanks Sadje, their fondness for each other is never ending.
Very sweet.
Did you trademark the doggie tail fan, I might wind up stealing that idea and marketing it. I’m currently researching, through AI, dogs with the largest tails.
Oh no, I forgot to! Help yourself, Len!
Nice one from Colin: “my dog’s clever, I asked what’s two minus two, and it said nothing”
Thanks, Frank!
🙂
Back at you, Di!
Fun! Colin was really on a “roll”!
I had trouble stopping him!
Hilarious storytelling, Keith. Weather forecasting “beat the raining champion…”
Thanks, Suzette, I laughed at myself with that one!
Awesomeness!
fave Colin-ism: “my dog’s clever, I asked what’s two minus two, and it said nothing – ”
two bar-rum-bumps!
fun as always
I’m proud of my dog!
What a fun function at the Baaamy, it sounds like a good time was had by all, even me reading about it.
There’s never a dull moment!
Wonderful… as always, Keith!
I’m pleased you enjoyed it, Chris, thank you.
A very wonderful ending, Keith!
Awww, thank you!
You’re welcome!
This was such a fun read!
Fun to write too! Thanks, Alex.
I love your puns 😂.
The first one with the buns was funny as heck and I can relate to getting sangria when someone messes with my wine…
I’m so pleased you enjoyed it, Reelika, it made a whole day’s work worthwhile!